Van Helsing (2004)

Join Greg, Jeff, and Matt as they celebrate Nobody Does It Bennett's 5th Anniversary by going through the vampire infested film, Van Helsing from 2004.

They will run through the film with their Autobow, giving their thoughts and opinions along the way. They will also be acting out certain scenes with their own unique voices.

Some others may do it better, but Nobody Does It Bennett.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Nobody does it Ben It. Yes I've gone and said it movies and games, some things that are lame.

SPEAKER_02 0:14

Nobody does it Bennett Hello hello hello and welcome to Nobody Does It Bennett Movie Review Podcast. I am your host, Greg Bennett, and tonight I'm joined by Jeff and Matt as we go through the gothic action film Van Housing from 2004. Jeff, welcome back to the show. You excited to be covering Van Housing?

SPEAKER_06 0:40

Yep, I definitely am.

SPEAKER_02 0:42

That's it. Alright. Get it over and done with. Short and sweet. Short and sweet. And Matt, welcome back to the show. Last time it was Mission Impossible 2. This time, a completely different type of film with Van Housing. Are you ready?

SPEAKER_13 0:57

Oh, so ready. Ready for this 2004 madness. Ready!

SPEAKER_02 1:01

Bold soul is ready. Got you for three minutes of playtime. Tonight we'll be going through the movie Van Housing. We'll run through the story beat by beat, offering our opinions along the way. We will also be acting out certain scenes with our own unique voices. I can't wait to hear your Dracula, Matt. Also our versions of the brides.

SPEAKER_09 1:22

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 1:23

Like. If you hear any random bird noises, that's just the budgie boys. JB and Garf Uncle. They like to have their say every now and then.

SPEAKER_06 1:31

Budgie smugglers or budgie boys?

SPEAKER_02 1:33

Budgie boys is what I call them. Other people call them budgie smugglers, but they're the boys to me, they're the budgie boys. Tonight on the budgie boys. After we've gone through the film, we'll give you our ratings for Van Helsing. Where will it land on the NDIB charts? Will it be cursed as the worst movie on the list? Or will it get the cure in time?

SPEAKER_06 1:54

Oh, that's cheesy.

SPEAKER_02 1:55

Just a quick update on the top five films on the NDIB charts. Jurassic Park is at number one with a perfect 50 stars, but is in first equal with Goodfellas from 1990. Spider Man 2 is a number 3. The Sam Raimi one from 2004.

SPEAKER_06 2:12

Doctor Octopus.

SPEAKER_02 2:14

49 stars. Number four is Jumanji from 1995 of 47 and a half stars. And last but not least, we have Titanic. James Cameron's Titanic of 47 stars.

SPEAKER_06 2:26

That's actually kind of surprising that lost out to Jumanji.

SPEAKER_02 2:30

It's one of those ones where if you love it, you absolutely adore it. This is the great thing about this podcast, is it's about what you love and what you think. We're not critics, we're people around a table just having fun and loving movies.

SPEAKER_06 2:42

I think that's what I like, is that you know you can have your opinion about it and someone else does and go, no, no, you're wrong. It's gotta be this.

SPEAKER_02 2:48

Mortal Kombat Annihilation, though, is still blast with a score of 15 stars out of a possible 50 stars.

SPEAKER_06 2:54

Fifteen?

SPEAKER_02 2:55

Yeah. Yeah. Poor movie.

SPEAKER_06 2:58

Horrible movie.

SPEAKER_02 2:59

Remember when we did Jurassic Park? I was sick? Yeah. It was because of the week before that I did Mortal Kombat Annihilation.

SPEAKER_06 3:06

If you haven't heard that podcast, it's horrible. Both of us are sick. And it's just it's such a bad movie.

SPEAKER_13 3:12

It just made you sick.

SPEAKER_06 3:14

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:15

First up though, we'll give you our brief intro into our experiences with Van Helsing. What are your guys' initial thoughts about Van Helsing? Any favourite moments from the film that you're looking forward to or talking about?

SPEAKER_06 3:26

Genuinely, when I first watched it, I was quite surprised. It didn't feel like it was going to be as good as it actually was. Just from reviews and I think like the trailer was a little bit misleading and on how good it actually was going to be. I mean, still finding out bits and pieces about it now, which because I didn't know he was the angel.

SPEAKER_13 3:44

Yeah, true, Gabriel, yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_06 3:46

I just happened to be Googling it because there's a TV series with a Van Housing in it. Going through all that, and then I found that bit about him being an angel. I thought, that's weird. Watching it again, it's only briefly brought up.

SPEAKER_02 3:57

A real afterthought. So I wonder why they didn't decide to make it obvious that he was Archangel Gabriel. Yeah. And Matt, any favourite moments or things you enjoy about Van Housing?

SPEAKER_13 4:07

Didn't expect it to be in 4K, look that good, to my honest with you. I was expecting a couple of bubbles and a couple of things. The only one thing that I didn't like, and it was the clouds at the start when they're first coming in over the mountain, because I didn't know how they would fix that anyway.

SPEAKER_06 4:19

That weapon. What did we call it in the end? I call it the autobow. The auto bow, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_13 4:25

60 round mags of just death rods.

SPEAKER_02 4:28

And you mentioned about how it was better than you expected from the critics and everything, what they said. I've got the Rod and Tomato scores here for Van Helsing, as it's a good indication why it didn't carry on to be a franchise after this film. It was supposed to be the start of a new franchise. Because it's from director Steven Summers, who directed The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, and produced The Scorpion King. Yeah. He went on to do G.I. Joe Rosa Cobra, but we'll talk maybe later about what critics for Rotten Tomatoes gave Van Helsing.

SPEAKER_06 4:54

I would say 42%. I was going to say 51.

SPEAKER_02 4:58

This is why critics can kill films. Critics gave it a 24%.

SPEAKER_06 5:02

For Rotten Tomatoes.

SPEAKER_13 5:04

Damn. I've seen some horrible movies get like 60-70% just because of the following. What do you think the audience gave it?

SPEAKER_06 5:11

I'm going to go with maybe about 58%.

SPEAKER_13 5:14

I was going to say between 55 and 60. I'll just go for 60.

SPEAKER_02 5:19

You guys, not your stuff. The audience gave it a 57%. Nice. So it's a big gap. Reminds me of Bad Boys 2, where critics are really harsh on it and the fans love it. This is what films are for as well. It's not just about what critics think, it's not just about what audience think, but just the vice versa as well. So it's probably the big reason why I didn't make enough money. But there's something about Van Helsing. Van Helsing from 2004 is a film that I find is a bit forgotten two time, with not a lot of people talking about it. It's often overshadowed by another one of Stephen Summers' directed films, The Mummy from 1999. But not G.I.J. Rose of Cobra, though. We'll we won't talk much about that one. Where will Van Helsing score? Find out at the end of the show. Next, we'll run through the film, Van Helsing. If you like what you hear and would like to listen or find out more about the shows, well, you can by going to the Nobody Does It Better Facebook page. Nobody does it better is available on Spotify, YouTube, and other podcast services. And Nobody Does It Better is now available on Apple Podcasts. So you now have even more ways to listen and enjoy. Man Jeff, I am sending you to Transylvania. Are you ready?

SPEAKER_06 6:26

I am ready. I have no weapons, so uh I'll just hide behind Matt.

SPEAKER_02 6:32

Ladies and a league of extraordinary gentlemen, Van Housing from 2004.

SPEAKER_00 6:38

Nobody does it, Bennett of the New York City Police Department.

SPEAKER_02 6:45

The movie begins with the universal logo. It starts off like normal, but then morphs into a universal monsters 1930s style. Then burns up in flames.

unknown 6:56

Magic.

SPEAKER_02 6:57

It then cuts to a man carrying a torch. A mob of men are heading somewhere through the woods. A few of the men are carrying a large log rope tied around it. All this, of course, is in black and white as well. Beautiful black and white.

SPEAKER_13 7:10

They fit that so well. I didn't even pick up on that until Jeff said something about it and I was like, oh, they did too.

SPEAKER_02 7:15

It's beautiful because, like I say, it starts like a 1930s hammer horror. Yeah, and it fits so well that you don't I didn't actually pick up on it. Transylvania 1887. The contrast of the flames on the 4K version is really good. So even in black and white, you can see the flames has popped. The men used the big log to ram through a wooden door and charge inside. Shot them pans up to reveal a large castle, lightning clouds and all. A screaming looking man is on the table inside the castle. Another scientist looking person seems to be working on them. There is all this old looking machinery around them.

SPEAKER_06 7:47

It's alive!

SPEAKER_02 7:48

It's alive! The scientist runs to the window after hearing a commotion outside. The angry mob is at the castle doors, and they are using a big roped-up log to barge their way in. One of the mob guys we saw earlier who is wearing a top hat, sees the scientist in the window of the castle. There he is! Hit it again! The scientist backs away from the window and almost runs into another man who was in the castle.

SPEAKER_09 8:16

Oh Count, it's just you. I was beginning to lose faith, Victor. A pity your moment of triumph is being spoiled over a little grave robbery.

SPEAKER_06 8:26

Yes. Yes. I must I must escape this place.

SPEAKER_02 8:31

The scientist starts to run. Where are you going to run, Victor? As Victor is running, the Count teleports from one part of the room to another.

SPEAKER_12 8:41

Your peculiar experiments have made you an unwelcome in most of the civilized world.

SPEAKER_02 8:46

Victor starts packing his things.

SPEAKER_06 8:49

I'll take him away. Far away. Where no one will ever find him.

SPEAKER_02 8:53

Maybe in a cinema that's playing the movie Morbius.

unknown 8:56

Yes.

SPEAKER_12 8:57

Oh no, Victor, the time has come for me to take command of him.

SPEAKER_02 9:02

What are you saying? Victor is looking behind him and up at the count, but then his trunk slams shut in front of him, revealing the count right there.

SPEAKER_10 9:11

Why do you think I brought you here? Gave you this castle! Equip your laboratory!

SPEAKER_06 9:19

You said you said you believed in my work.

SPEAKER_12 9:22

And I do. But now that is, as you yourself have said, a triumph of science over God.

SPEAKER_02 9:30

Some of the machinery explodes and sparks in front of the Count.

SPEAKER_12 9:34

It must now serve my purpose.

SPEAKER_02 9:37

What purpose? The angry mob finally breaks through the castle door. Or doors. They charge inside. Cut back to Victor and the Count. JB's like, hey, hey Jeff, it's your turn, Jeff.

SPEAKER_06 9:50

Jeff, hey Jeff! Good God! I would end myself before helping in such a task.

SPEAKER_02 9:57

The scientist walks backwards into his human experiment. Feel free.

SPEAKER_12 10:01

I don't actually need you any more, Victor. I just need him. He is lucky.

SPEAKER_02 10:07

Victor and the Count stand over the human experiment.

SPEAKER_07 10:10

I could never allow him to be used for such evil. I could. In fact. My brides are insisting upon it.

SPEAKER_06 10:18

Igor, help me! You have been so kind to me, Doctor. Caring, thoughtful.

SPEAKER_02 10:26

But he pays me. Igor is played by actor Kevin J. O'Connor, who also plays Benny in one of Director Stephen Summers' other movies, The Mummy. Victor grabs a sword and pointed at the Count. Stay back!

SPEAKER_11 10:40

You can't kill me, Victor.

SPEAKER_02 10:42

The Count walks forward, stabbing himself through the chest. The sword through the chest seems to have no effect on the Count.

SPEAKER_12 10:49

I'm already dead.

SPEAKER_02 10:51

Victor looks shocked. The Count grabs Victor and turns him around for some reason, so he's facing the human experiment. The Count's mouth morphs into big nasty teeth. CGI in 2004, when this film was made, yeah, still not amazing, as you can see with its effect. Eagle runs away out of the room as the monster that Victor created breaks loose. The Count notices this after he finishes feasting on Victor. The monster throws a big piece of experiment equipment at the Count, who gets smashed through the fireplace. The monster picks up his creator, Victor. Eagle goes out the secret door and invades the angry mob. The monster carrying Victor uses the same door as Eagle and runs away. Eagle, though, blows his cover. Doctor Frankenstein! The angry mob stop in their tracks and look to see the monster carrying Victor. They chase the monster thinking he's kidnapping the doctor. But kidnapping, the way I said that, kidnapping. Kidnapping.

SPEAKER_13 11:44

He's kidnapping the doctor. They chase the monster thinking he's kidnapping the doctor. But what they don't know is that five meters down the road the police are waiting for them.

SPEAKER_02 11:55

Look! It headed for the windmill! Come on! A burnt up count comes out of the fireplace but quickly regenerates with some funky looking CGI, very similar to the mummy effects a few years earlier. The count then transforms into a big creature. You can tell only by the shallow silhouette on the castle wall. Cut to a long shot of the monster being chased up to the windmill on the hill. It's a great wide shot. The monster gets inside the windmill, locks the door, then starts bumbling his way up the stairs. The monster is knocking over and smashing bottles of absence as he goes along. Don't worry, it's only an issue if someone like an angry mob has fire torches with them. Oh wait.

SPEAKER_09 12:32

Burn it! Burn it down!

SPEAKER_02 12:35

Okay then Seth Rollins.

SPEAKER_09 12:36

Burn it down!

SPEAKER_02 12:39

The angry mob surrounds the windmill and throws their fire torches at the windmill. The shot here of seeing all the torches flying is pretty awesome. The windmill is engulfed in flames. The monster reaches the top of the windmill, still carrying his beloved victor. This is the first time you fully see the monster's face. The camera spins around to reveal the back of the monster's head is glass with electric currents running through it. The monster is overwhelmed by seeing the surrounding angry mob.

SPEAKER_06 13:07

Sounds like you're about to do the monster mesh.

SPEAKER_02 13:09

The angry mob stop yelling, almost like they are terrified when they see the monster's face.

SPEAKER_03 13:17

I speak whee you put your hands on your hips.

SPEAKER_02 13:23

A woman in the mob faints. A loud screech can be heard in the air coming from the castle. The Count in Manbat form comes flying out. Count Manbat is joined by three other white creatures in the air, his brides. Vampires! The angry mob run away in terror. The monster is left alone on top of the burning windmill, still with Victor in hand. Father! The monster yells in the air as the windmill crumbles beneath him.

SPEAKER_13 13:50

Sad scene. It is quite sad. It's such a sad scene, it's just like he's just woken up. This has happened.

SPEAKER_02 13:55

I think the moment though is kind of ruined by the the way the monster sounds. He sounds a little bit too cartoonish. Yeah. It could be a really beautiful moment. I do agree. It is quite sad, but the way he says it is almost like Jeff said, like the monster match. Yeah, 100%. The monster yells in the air as the windmill crumbles beneath him. The monster and Victor fall into a fiery blaze. The windmill collapses to bits. The count and his brides land nearby. Dracula is annoyed. The brides are overly dramatic about this. Like, oh no! Where? Yeah. The screen fades to black. Then it says, one year later, Paris. It goes from black and white to colour here. There is a bounty poster on the wall. Van Housing, 2,000 francs. The poster gets ripped off the wall by a man in a long dark coat with long hair and a hat on.

SPEAKER_03 14:44

It's Jack the Ripper, right?

SPEAKER_02 14:46

It's that kind of era. It's only what, 20 years after Jack the Ripper or so? True. You could go back and make a prequel where he's in London. Yeah, but Mr.

SPEAKER_13 14:54

Hyde just throws him against a wall.

SPEAKER_02 14:56

He just dies. A woman screams in the distance, which alerts this mysterious person. The music that kicks in here is pretty decent. Kind of a Western theme with a bit of gothic mixed in as well. The score is composed by Alan Sylvestri, who did the MCU Avengers theme, as well as the Back to the Future score. This man is a legend. Buddha bum. The man makes his way through the deserted Paris streets at night. He finds the body of a woman. Very Jack the Ripper type of feel, as he said before. The man then does a cross with his fingers before finding a burning cigar nearby. The man looks behind him and sees a large looking man scaling the church behind him. It's the Notre Dame Cathedral. The man is laughing. Cut to the man in the hat entering the balfree of the cathedral. The floorboards creak as he explores inside the dark room. It's full of cobwebs, dust, random ornaments and statues, and of course, a bell. A large head drops down into view, smoking a cigar. Again, CGI. Not perfect, but not bad for 2004 as well. Evening.

SPEAKER_12 16:00

You're a big one. You'll be hard to digest.

SPEAKER_02 16:03

The man in the hat pulls down his face mask. I'd hate to be such a nuisance. The large man drops to the ground laughing as he gets up from a crouched position. You get to see just how big he is. I missed you in London.

SPEAKER_12 16:16

No, you bloody did not. You got me good.

SPEAKER_06 16:19

The large man flexes to show a hole in his bicep. Dr. Jackal. You're wanted by the Knights of the Holy Order. It's Mr. Hyde now.

SPEAKER_12 16:29

For the murder of twelve men, six women, four children, three goats, and a rather nasty massacre of poultry. So you're the great Van Helsing.

SPEAKER_02 16:41

And you're a deranged psychopath. I'm loving the voices, by the way. Really good. Mr. Hyde blows a smoke cigar ring in Van Helsing's face.

SPEAKER_04 16:50

We all have our little problems.

SPEAKER_02 16:52

Mr. Hyde then turns the cigar around and puts it out on his own tongue. Then eats the cigar.

SPEAKER_13 16:58

It would taste so horrible.

SPEAKER_02 17:00

Especially if you burnt your tongue.

SPEAKER_13 17:02

Burnt your whole tongue off and then you're just eating it and there's just all these burnt nerve in things.

SPEAKER_02 17:05

I was gonna say you probably can't taste it.

SPEAKER_06 17:07

He's burnt the endings off.

SPEAKER_02 17:08

Maybe that's why he's getting ready to eat Van Helsing. He's like, I don't want to eat it. The taste isn't good. Yeah. I like when everything's smoke flavour.

SPEAKER_06 17:14

My superiors would like for me to take you alive so they may extricate your better half. Hyde jumps around Van Helsing.

SPEAKER_04 17:22

I bet they bloody would.

SPEAKER_02 17:23

Hyde takes Van Helsing's hat off his head and wears it like a miniature hat.

SPEAKER_06 17:27

Personally, I'd rather just kill you and call it a day. But let's make it your decision, shall we?

SPEAKER_12 17:34

Hmm. Dulats.

SPEAKER_02 17:36

Hyde backhand slaps Van Helsing into a wall. Helsing flies backwards while shooting double pistols. That's pretty cold. Very quick reflexes too. Hyde disappears for a moment, but then reappears at the other end of the Balfrey. Hyde starts swinging off beams and towards Van Helsing. Van Helsing sees him coming and prepares two circular blade devices behind his back. Van Helsing cuts Hyde up a bit, leading to Hyde smacking into the bell. Hyde grabs the bell and traps Van Helsing under it. Hyde laughs and picks up Van Helsing's hat thinking he's trapped him, but you can still hear the sounds of the circular blades. Van Helsing starts cutting the hole in the floor. Hyde lifts off the bell to find an empty hole. It cuts back to Hyde's face though. The hat on Hyde's head gets removed. Van Helsing is hiding inside the lifted bell. Helsing cuts off one of Hyde's arms with the circular blades. Van Helsing jumps out of the rolling bell. The detached arm wriggles for a moment before shrinking back down to Dr. Jekyll's size. I didn't see that. It does, it shrinks down. Yeah, I didn't see it at all. That's a cold. This is why he's always seen as a murderer because all the creatures he kills revert back to their normal forms. I'll bet that's upsetting. Hyde, one arm, fights Van Helsing, throwing him up and through the ceiling. Hyde then jumps onto the roof. Oh, Paris. Come here. Hyde lifts Van Helsing up by his coat.

SPEAKER_12 18:53

I think you'll find the view out here rather spectacular.

SPEAKER_02 18:56

Hyde laughs as the camera zooms down the side of the cathedral.

SPEAKER_12 18:59

It's been a pleasure knowing you.

SPEAKER_02 19:01

Hyde throws Van Helsing over the side. Van Helsing falls for a moment before whipping out a full-on grappling gun. The hook of the grappling gun gets shot right through Mr. Hyde's gut. Van Helsing uses the leverage of the hook through Hyde to swing and land safely on the ground. Van Helsing then looks up at Hyde above him. Hyde knows what Van Helsing is thinking. Van Helsing yanks the gun to pull Hyde down, but Hyde balances on the side of the building. My turn. Hyde grabs the hook cable to pull Van Helsing back up. Momentum forces Van Helsing back up the building, but Hyde's momentum forces him to fall and swing through the main cathedral circular front window. Hyde comes loose from the hook and falls to his death outside the front of the Notre Dame Cathedral. Sad thing is that Hyde turns back into Dr. Jekyll just before impact. Poor guy. CC Dr. Jekyll goes, Ah! So he's the one that feels the pain of death. Van Helsing looks up from the top of the cathedral. Van Helsing prays, may he rest in peace in Latin. And then finger crosses. Van Helsing stands on the balcony railings to see a crowd forming below. A police officer sees Van Helsing at the top of the church. Got to remember that the body was just normal looking. So to the police, it looks like Van Helsing might have just killed a normal sized dude. A Van Helsing! Your murderer! Van Helsing puts his hat back on and takes off. He rides out of the city on horseback. The theme kicks back in. Cut to the Vatican City, Rome. Looks like it's around dawn. Van Helsing enters the massive holy area. He goes into a confession berth.

SPEAKER_06 20:25

Bless me, father, for I have Sinned, yes, I know.

SPEAKER_02 20:30

You're very good at that. The confession window gets opened to reveal the person talking.

SPEAKER_06 20:34

You shattered the rose window. Not to split hairs, sir. But Mr. Hyde did the shattering. Thirteenth century, over six hundred years old.

SPEAKER_02 20:42

I wish you a week in hell for that. It would be a nice reprieve. Don't get me wrong. Your results are unquestionable, but your methods attract far too much attention. Wanted posters, we are not pleased.

SPEAKER_12 20:55

Uh did they? Don't get me wrong.

SPEAKER_06 21:01

I wonder if I'd be pleased if they had to do the work rather than sending someone else out. Always putting down the people doing the actual results, you know. Do you think I like being the most wanted man in Europe? Why don't you and the Order do something about it?

SPEAKER_02 21:16

Cardinal Gennetti opens up the confessional window. Because we do not exist. Well then, neither do I. Cardinal Ginetti had a lever that brings down a heavy steel gauge door in front of Van Helsing. When we found you crawling up the steps of this church, half dead, it was clear to all of us that you had been sent to do God's work.

SPEAKER_06 21:35

There's a little bit of the old he's an angel. Why can't he do it himself?

SPEAKER_02 21:40

Don't blasphemy. A secret door opens up behind the cardinal. You already lost your memory as a peasant for past sins. Sorry, penance, sorry, I'm saying.

SPEAKER_09 21:49

As a peasant.

SPEAKER_02 21:50

God damn peasant!

SPEAKER_09 21:52

Yep peasant!

SPEAKER_02 21:53

You already lost your memory as penance for past sins. Man, what is it with Hugh Jackman losing his memories? Every movie, the Cardinal gets up. If you wish to recover it, I suggest you'll continue to heed the call. The Cardinal heads down some secret stairs. Without us, the world would be in darkness.

SPEAKER_06 22:11

Human sacrifices, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria.

SPEAKER_02 22:17

Nice. Cardinal Gennetti played by Alum Armstrong. I think it's Ellen, but it looks like Alun. Is played by Ellen Armstrong, is another one who is from the mummy movies. He plays Bontez Javiz, the bad guy who awakens Emotep. Or emotep. And the mummy returns. Cutter Van Helsing joined the Cardinal down the steps and in the secret quarters. Empires come and go, but we have kept mankind safe since time immorial. We are the last defense against evil. An evil that the rest of mankind has no idea even exists.

SPEAKER_06 22:49

We are the last defense to the worst scam of the universe. The man in red. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 22:55

There come the man in red. Embar.

SPEAKER_06 22:59

They won't let you remember.

SPEAKER_01 23:02

Climbing up the cathedral stairs. Remember where you came from, Gabriel.

SPEAKER_06 23:10

To you, these monsters are just evil beings to be vanquished. I'm the one standing there when they die and become the men they once were.

SPEAKER_02 23:19

I like this line being in here. Van Helsing doesn't just see monsters and think evil, which is why later on he can see the good in some of them, not just evil to be wiped out. Again, another indication that he's an angel, because he can sense people's true natures.

SPEAKER_06 23:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:32

For you, my good son, this is a test of faith. And now we need you to go to the east, to the far side of Romania, in a cursed land terrorized by all sorts of nightmarish creatures, lorded over by a certain Count Dracula. Not to be confused with Dr. Acula from Scrubs. Dracula? Yes, you've never faced one like this before. The cardinal puts up a slideshow on the wall to a picture of Dracula. A story begins 450 years ago, when a Transylvanian knight named Valerius the Elder promised God that his family would never rest nor enter heaven until they vanquished Dracula from their land. They have not succeeded and they are running out of family. Damn it. We are running out, Mamma mia! The cardinal clicks over to another slide. His descendant, Boris Valerius, king of the gypsies, he disappeared almost twelve months ago. The cardinal clicks to another slide. His only son, Prince Valkan, clicks to a next slide. And his daughter, Princess Anna. If the two of them are killed before Dracula is vanquished, nine generations of their family will never enter the gates of St. Peter. Mama me, my family. So she was of royalty? Apparently the dad was because Dracula was also royalty as well, I believe. That's why they lived in that castle.

SPEAKER_13 24:46

What have they done for the past however long?

SPEAKER_02 24:48

Not been looking at mirrors, apparently with Dracula's around. What a bunch of losers. I was like their descendant was a degenerate gambler who gambled their whole bloodline on a slim denun bet.

SPEAKER_13 24:59

And then all that time, and then within ten seconds your brother gets bitten by a werewolf, drops his gun, hopeless.

SPEAKER_02 25:04

What are you doing? For more than four centuries, this family has defended our left flank. Not that well, obviously. They gave their lives. We cannot let them slip into purgatory.

SPEAKER_06 25:14

So you're sending me into hell.

SPEAKER_02 25:17

The cardinal pats Van Helsing on the back. In a manner. Valerius the Elder left us here 400 years ago. The Cardinal pulls out a piece of ripped parchment. It's some form of elvish. I can't read it. We don't know its purpose, but he would not have it left it lately. The Latin inscription translates in the name of God. Open this door. Which he says later on. Yep. There is an insignia. Van Helsing has a come to Jesus moment. He's seen that insignia before. Yes, it matches your ring. I think that in Transylvania you may find the answer you're sick. Van Helsing is astonished. He may finally get answers. Also, Van keeps looking at Anna's picture on the wall. I think it cuts like three different times to it. Don't blame him. It's Kate Beckinsale after all. Cut through a room where multiple experimental machines and devices are being worked on. Feels like Q's area in the James Bond films, but much older.

SPEAKER_06 26:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:12

Agree with that, Jeff? I definitely do. A friar named Carl was working on something to do with creating electricity to power a device. A guy is madly cycling a wheel, but has no luck. The device still wasn't working. Hard luck, old chaps. The guy on the bike gets electrocuted too. Can see some zaps on his head. Zap, zap, zap, zap. Carl goes to meet Van Helsing who enters the holy laboratory. Did you bring Mr. Hyde back or did you kill him?

SPEAKER_13 26:35

Van Helsing says nothing and keeps walking. You killed him, didn't you? That's why they get so annoyed. When they ask you to bring someone back, they don't mean there's a corpse. Oh, alright. You're in a mood. Well, come on. I have some things I'll put back in your mouth.

SPEAKER_02 26:47

Van reaches for a sword. Oh, an idiot can make a sword. Carl turns to see the angry blacksmith with a heated blade. Sorry, father. Come along, Carl. Carl gives Van Helsing a leather satchel bank, then gives him some rings of garlic, holy water, a silver stake, a crucifix, and a gudly toy! Isn't this literally just James Bond, but in the 1800s?

SPEAKER_13 27:09

It is, yeah. Going into like the workshop where they give him all the stuff and he's just like, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:14

Behind them there is a Gatling gun being tested.

SPEAKER_06 27:16

Why can't I have one of those? You've never gone after vampires before now, have you? Vampires, gargoyles, warlocks, crusty jugglers. They're all the same. Best when cooked well. No, no, no, no, no. They're not all the same. A vampire is nothing like a warlock. My granny could kill a warlock. Damn, you did that voice too well. Carl, you've never even been out of the abbey. How do you know about vampires? Bike messenger. Knock me down.

SPEAKER_13 27:44

First one, that's the first one. Also I read.

SPEAKER_02 27:47

Here's something new. Carl puts his finger under a liquid tube tap. Clysoon 48. A drop lands on Carl's finger. He flicks a droplet, which then explodes, scaring nearby people.

SPEAKER_13 27:57

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! The air around here is thick with envy. Ah, this is my latest invention. It's gas propelled, capable of catapulting arrows in rapid succession at tremendous velocity. Just pull the trigger and hold on.

SPEAKER_02 28:08

I love this automatic crossbow gun. One of my favourite weapons from any movie. I see it. It's just so iconic. And there are scenes in this movie that you look at this and go, man, if they just made a franchise of this, some of these weapons and like even his look and stuff would be so iconic.

SPEAKER_13 28:22

I'm gonna go home and look of how sing the game because I'm just like, I want to throw those discs and kill vampires.

SPEAKER_02 28:27

Looks gorgeous too. A wooden gold copper design with a golden ram head on its point.

SPEAKER_06 28:32

You'll be happy to know that weapon is in the game. I remember it.

SPEAKER_02 28:35

If it wasn't, it's like, what do you make the game for? It's just him walking around with a sword.

SPEAKER_13 28:39

And you'd be like, he doesn't even have a sword. What's going on here?

SPEAKER_02 28:42

No, it's like Spider-Man just comes out of his hand. Carl gives Van Helsing the crossbow. He starts to feel the weight of it and looks to aim with it.

SPEAKER_13 28:49

I've heard the stories from Transylvania. Trust me, you'll need this. A work of certifiable genius.

SPEAKER_06 28:54

If you don't say so yourself.

SPEAKER_13 28:56

I did say so myself. I'm a very doubtable chronicopiate of talent.

SPEAKER_02 29:01

A glass ball with two attached golden outlets on it catches Van Helsing's eye. Van Helsing grabs it. Did you invent this? Carl looks distressed. Oh! I've been working on that for twelve years. Carl tries to grab it from Van Helsing, but Van Won't then.

SPEAKER_13 29:16

It's compressed magma from Mount Vesuvius with pure alkaline from the Gobi desert. Carl manages to get it back. It's one of a kind. Twelve years, and you don't know what it does. I didn't say that. I said I didn't know what it's for. What it does is to create a light source equal to the intensity of the sun. This will come in handy. How? Oh I don't know. You could blind your enemies, Char broil the herd of charging Wildebeast. Use your imagination.

SPEAKER_02 29:42

Hmm, a sunlight bomb and a vampire movie. No, can't think of how it could be useful.

SPEAKER_06 29:47

No, Carl. I'm gonna use yours. That's why you're coming with me. Oh, holy hell be damned that I am. You cursed? Not very well. But you're a monk. You shouldn't curse at all.

SPEAKER_13 30:00

Actually, I'm still just a flyer. I can curse all I want, dammit.

SPEAKER_06 30:03

And do some snooky later on, too. The cardinal has ordered you to keep me alive. Van throws Carl the leather satchel. For as long as possible. But I'm not a field man.

SPEAKER_02 30:17

And Housing?

SPEAKER_13 30:18

I don't want to go to Transylvania.

SPEAKER_02 30:21

I really enjoy David Wenham as Carl in this.

SPEAKER_13 30:24

He nailed that so well.

SPEAKER_02 30:26

He goes from being the heroic and strong Ferromere in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, then to a comical mousy science nerd in this. This movie came out less than a year after Return of the King, too.

SPEAKER_13 30:35

Really? So they were working on both of those at this basically the same time.

SPEAKER_02 30:39

What the audience would have seen, they would have seen him in Return of the King in December, and then midway through the next year they would have seen him as this cut to a murky grey looking area in some woods. The filmmakers do a really good job of keeping this foggy, grey, and moody atmosphere through the film. Reminds me of the feel of Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow film. Oh, Sleepy Hollow. Sleepy Hollow, so good. Valkan, the man the Cardinal told Van Housen about before, is tied to a pole. He seems to be waiting for something. Lots of 360 spinning shots here. Something starts stalking again and again and again from different angles. Something starts stalking Valkan from a trees. Come on. Dracula released you for a reason. A werewolf emerges from a trees. Valkan jumps all the way to the top of the pole. The werewolf starts climbing the pole after Valkan. Another man uses a pulley system, so the ropes that Valcan is tied to get him yanked up in the air. The rope gets stuck though, so Valkan is left hanging. Anna is revealed in a superhero slow-mo shot. It's like it's a commercial. Anna, because you're worth it. Anna has a very nice sword. Maybe she's born with it.

SPEAKER_08 31:42

Maybe it's a generational of killing vampires.

SPEAKER_13 31:45

Maybe her family's dead.

SPEAKER_02 31:47

Maybe she was born with it. Maybe she's just stupid. Anna looks to try and save her brother Valkan.

SPEAKER_04 31:54

No, Anna! I will kill you!

SPEAKER_02 31:56

Only if I die. MCU line that one. Infinity War. That's my brother out there. Anna brushes this random guy who we never see again off and runs off to save Valkan from the awesome looking werewolf.

SPEAKER_13 32:11

That's why he's Scottish.

SPEAKER_02 32:13

Such passion he had, and he's gone. He's just dead. The design of the werewolves in this movie are really cool. Some of the best I've ever seen on film. We will most likely talk about this more during a certain transformation scene later. Valkan tells the guy controlling the pulley to Cut the Rope! Cut the rope now! When he sees Anna running towards him, the werewolf jumps down to go after Anna but falls into a trap hole at the base of the pole. It's cool. He jumps down to go after Anna and then we go, Oh, I sit down like it's uh one of those kind of carpets and cartoons like Looney Tunes where people walk across them.

SPEAKER_06 32:45

And do you notice that when like a piece of the wood comes off, she flips off of that piece of wood? Yeah, it's her toe. So yeah. And then she backflips. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:53

Polly guy cuts the rope, which sends a cage up from the base of the pole. The cage hits Anna on the tip of her foot, which forces her to backflip. Like you say, that's crazy. It's like epic backflip out of nowhere. Yeah. The cage traps the werewolf but also collides with Valkan, who tries to shoot the werewolf with a pistol. As the cage descends up higher, Valkan jumps and grabs a trunk of a tree, which forces him to drop his pistol. The team on the ground starts shooting the werewolf in the cage. It seems to have a light green blood like the predators. Yeah. Yeah, that was a bit weird. It's like why are they green? Why green blood? Yeah, yeah. Very goosebumps. Doo doo doo doo. My gun! Find my gun! Anna starts pushing people out of the way on the ground. Find Valkan's gun! It has to be silver bullets! The ropes on the cage start to break.

SPEAKER_03 33:38

Anna, hurry! Even though we have generations and generations of doing this, why am I the only one with silver bullets?

SPEAKER_02 33:44

Melod point. It's a Valcon point. Anna spots the pistol a few meters away. Anna runs towards the pistol. The ropes in the cage then fully break. Anna, look out! The cage drops down, narrowly missing Anna, but blocking her way to the pistol. The werewolf breaks out and takes a swipe at Anna as she runs back from it.

SPEAKER_03 34:03

Run!

SPEAKER_02 34:04

The werewolf starts to chase Anna through the trees. Sounds so dramatic there. Oh my god, it's like chasing me. Anna comes to the edge of a cliff. She's trapped. The werewolf leaps at Anna, like Scar does to Adult Simba at the end of the original Lion King. Velcan pushes Anna out of the way and points a silver bullet pistol at the leaping werewolf. Valkan and the werewolf fall off the cliff and into the water below. Valkan! God help us. Don't worry, Anna. God has sent help. And his name is John Cena. I was gonna say John Wick. John Wick, it wasn't God that sent him. Baba Yaga. Cut to a ship setting through stormy weather. Van Helsing's cool theme kicks back in here. Van Helsing has the look to the sky and contemplate things look on the ship as Carl stands behind him. His eyes swimming with the ghosts of his past. Oh wait, no, sorry. That's the quote from Rita Skeeter and Harry Potter. The shot then zooms in to review this is actually now a montage. More shots of the ship going through bad weather and Van Helsing with Carl riding horseback through the snowy mountains. The mountain shots feel very Lord of the Ringsy here.

SPEAKER_13 35:08

Hundred percent. Big Far zoomed out, like look at this.

SPEAKER_02 35:10

They arrive in the small peasant village in Transylvania, located not far from Dracula's castle. It's a very muddy, very dirty and cold place. They dismount their horses in the village.

SPEAKER_13 35:22

So what do you remember?

SPEAKER_06 35:23

Not now, Carl. There must be something. I remember fighting the Romans at Mercedes. That was in 73 AD. You asked.

SPEAKER_02 35:31

The villagers start surrounding Carl and Van Helsing. Some carry items like axes, scythes, and shovels in a very defensive way.

SPEAKER_13 35:39

What are we doing here? Why is it so important to kill this Dracula anyway? Because he's the son of the devil. I mean besides that.

SPEAKER_06 35:47

Because if we kill him, anything bitten or created by him will also die.

SPEAKER_02 35:53

I mean besides that. I mean besides that, I mean besides that, Top Hat guy from the beginning of the movie pops up. Welcome to Transylvania. Jurassic Park thing kicks in. Van Helsing sees a flock of vampires.

SPEAKER_06 36:11

They move in herds. They do move in herds.

SPEAKER_02 36:17

Van Helsing stops in his tracks, sighs, drops his bags, and turns to face the villagers. There is a tense standoff. Is it always like this? Pretty much. Anna appears from behind Van Helsing and Carl. Her legs are the only part in this shot. Van Helsing can be seen directly between her legs. Not for the first time. Giggity. You turn around. Van and Carl turn to face Anna. Both have their heads down to hide their faces. Let me see your faces. Why? Because we don't trust strangers. Strangers don't last long here. Topat guy starts measuring Carl. Ah, so he's the village undertaker. That's when I found out he was the undertaker. Yeah, it took me a while. Anna nods to get the villagers to move in closer. Gentlemen, you will now be disarmed. Van Helsing puts his hand in one of his guns. You can try. The villagers back away. You refuse to obey our laws?

SPEAKER_06 37:14

The laws of men mean little to me.

SPEAKER_02 37:17

Fine. Kill them. Just kills them both. Imagine if the villagers did, Transylvania would be so screwed.

SPEAKER_13 37:24

Just one of them puts a hammer on the back of his head, he loses all his memory again for another 400 years. And poor Carl just gets shivered to death.

SPEAKER_02 37:29

You find out Van Helsing's just like a Hades kind of game where every time he dies, you just gotta go back to the start.

SPEAKER_06 37:35

Once they kill them, they find something on them that shows that they would have been the ones to save them. They're like, damn it!

SPEAKER_13 37:40

Basically a letter from God.

SPEAKER_06 37:41

I'm here to help.

SPEAKER_02 37:42

I don't need any help. Really? Van pulls out his awesome automatic crossbow and a ducks, which reveals three incoming white creatures flying in. It's Dracula's brides.

SPEAKER_13 37:52

No, it's just birds.

SPEAKER_02 37:53

Just birds. Just Transylvanian birds. The birds start f the birds. He got me going. The brides start flying in and attacking the villagers as Van Helsing fires on them. Everybody inside! The sound of the autobo is so cool. Has that whistling sound to it. Van Helsing is knocked over from behind by a bride. A bride then picks Anna up in the air. Van Helsing runs and grabs onto Anna's legs like it's a game of barrel of monkeys. The bride drops them. Anna lands crutch first on Van Helsing's neck.

SPEAKER_06 38:23

Like he said, not the last time that it'll be between her legs.

SPEAKER_02 38:26

There are certainly worse ways to go. Crushes his trackies. Van rolls Anna over. Stay here. Anna rolls Van back over. You stay here. They're trying to kill me. Van looks over towards the autobo.

SPEAKER_09 38:40

Marishka, kill the stranger.

SPEAKER_02 38:43

Love to. It's quite hard to tell the bride to part, so apologies if I get their names wrong in this. Van keeps shooting the autobo until it stops working. Carl, it's not working. Try aiming at their heart. Carl grabs another cartridge for the autobo and throws it American football style at Van Helsing, who catches it on the run. Mariska tries to fly in and grab Van Helsing, but grabs a poor cow instead. Yeah. Which gets thrown through a wall at a fair height. Don't worry, guys, the cow's okay. You find out later on, the cow's mowing inside.

SPEAKER_06 39:12

I'm sorry, is it a cow or a bunch of cats taped together?

SPEAKER_02 39:15

Well, it's hard to tell, isn't it? What is this? Van starts firing at the brides while Anna just keeps running around. She's been doing it for a few minutes for this date. She's just like running from side to side in this whole entire thing. Hey, if you zigzag, they can't catch you. A villager gets chased down by a bride and grabbed into the air. The bride bites his neck. Yeah, he's gone, Burgers. The sun starts to peek through the dark clouds, giving the villager a moment's reprieve from the attacks. Anna appears from behind a vegetable crate. It's the sun! Time for some spinning 360 shots of Van Helsing looking around.

SPEAKER_01 39:45

Here comes the sun.

SPEAKER_02 39:48

And I say, No vampires. The villagers start to reappear from the windows and streets. Van Helsing moves towards the well in the middle of the village. Anna picks up a nearby scythe and also walks towards the well. They both look in at the same time, but nothing. It's just pitch black darkness. The clouds start to cover the sun once more. Ah Van Helsing? The brides start flying out of the well. Van is knocked over while Anna is grabbed and flown into the air. Do you like to fly, Anna? Anna pulls out a knife and slashes Morisco's leg with it. Anna is dropped but caught by another bride in midair. Van Helsing hits a notch on his autoboe and shoots an arrow at the bride's ankle. The close-up tracking shot of the arrow is pretty sweet. Anna is dropped again. She hits a roof but then slides down the side, just clinging to the edge. Anna then does a backflip kick and leaps to a tree opposite the roof edge. The way she grabs the tree will make her thankful that she's not a man right now. Anna break full flips out of the tree, smacking her legs into the branches as she goes. Bam, bam, bam, bam, then flips down.

SPEAKER_06 40:52

Breaks every branch on the way down. How are you not dead yet?

SPEAKER_02 40:56

Mariska continues to go after Fen Helsing, but he starts filling her wings with holes from the autobo. Mariska falls through a roof and into a building. Anna runs into a building, but when she turns around, she sees Alera hanging upside down. Hello, Anna. Alera hisses before riding along the ceiling, then jumping down and transforming into a human-looking woman. She is very striking in this form. Nice to see you too, Alera. Van Halstein starts hesitantly walking towards the building he saw Mariska fall into. Mariska comes out blasting. She grabs Van Helsing and throws him down, dislodging the autobo in the process.

SPEAKER_04 41:31

So anyway, I started blasting.

SPEAKER_02 41:35

Marishka removes the arrows from her body and lands on a railing. She also transforms into a human-looking woman. You notice when in human form they kind of glow like angelic? Cut back to Anna and Alira. Did I do something to you in a past life?

SPEAKER_08 41:49

Don't play coy with me, princess.

SPEAKER_02 41:51

Alira's eyes change to her violet demonic eyes. Anna tries to run away. She opens a door to find Allyra standing there.

SPEAKER_09 41:58

I know what lurks in your lusting heart.

SPEAKER_02 42:01

I hope you have a heart, Alyra, because someday I'm going to drive a stake through it. Alira smacks Anna out a window. Anna turns it into a backflip as she does everything mid-air and runs away outside. Van Helsing looks at his gun, iron it up, wondering if he can get to it in time before Marishka can get him. Carl grabs a bottle of holy water and he throws it at Van, but he goes, Holy water! So everyone knows what it is. So it gets intercepted by the third bride that I don't think has been mentioned until now. Verona. Verona. Verona. The only time L MNOP is gonna be in a movie review podcast. Shout out to LMNAP. Yes. When I saw you in Verona.

SPEAKER_06 42:43

Your Sedana moved over.

SPEAKER_02 42:44

This is how I remembered her name. Verona. Okay, it's the LMNAP song. Stop teasing Mershka and finish him. Too bad.

SPEAKER_03 42:53

So sad.

SPEAKER_02 42:55

This is a hidden gem of a line that is secretly one I use a bit. Don't know why. I just love that line. It's just so over the top and dramatic.

SPEAKER_04 43:02

Yeah, it's a oh baby.

SPEAKER_02 43:05

The church! Carl points to the church behind them. Van Helsing looks at the church. It zooms in on the holy water sink out the front of it. Marishka vampire smiles, knowing what Van is thinking. Meanwhile, Anna is running around still. She runs into another building. Alyra is there too, drinking the blood of a dead villager out of a wine glass. Thirty years old, perfectly aged. Anna looks behind her. Verona is there looking all human as well. Hello, Anna, my dear. Anna turns back around. Alyra is right in her face with the wine glass of blood. Alira starts to walk towards Anna. Verona joins in and is cornered. The last of the Valerius. Meanwhile, Mariska is vampire growling at Van Helsing. Blah blah blah.

SPEAKER_06 43:57

I don't go, blah blah blah blah blah.

SPEAKER_02 44:00

Van runs towards his autobo and gets shoved away by a flying Marishka. She then smacks him into a few different walls, crates, and etc. It's like whack into another wall, whack into another wall. Again and again and again from different angles. Apparently. Marishka then flies high into the air laughing. Um don't you want to finish Van Helsing off? Marishka? Nope. Nope. Okay, fine. Van comes to and realizes he's next to his autobo. Cut back to Anna, who is trying to fight back but gets overpowered by Verona.

SPEAKER_06 44:27

Uh-uh, no. I can feel fresh blood rushing through her veins.

SPEAKER_02 44:34

Van gets up, grabs the gun, and runs towards the church. Here she comes! Here comes Speed Racer. He's a demon on wheels. Well, she's a demon on wings, so close enough. Muttley. Marishka starts flying towards Van Helsing. Cut back to Anna with Verona and Alera. I want first bite. Cut back to Van Helsing running while being chased by Marishka. Van dips his autobo into the holy water sink, then turns and fires at Marishka. All in slow-mo, of course. Verona is about to bite Anna when Van Helsing hits Marishka with multiple holy water dipped arrows. Marishka is pinned to a roof. Verona and Alera can sense what just happened and spin, transformed like seventies Wonder Woman. And fly away back to Dracula's castle. Spin, they do the spin. Marishka burns up and turns to dust. Not great CGI here. Van Helsing gives her a finger cross. Van Helsing's there for you, even in death. Van Helsing then sits down exhausted on some steps. Carl grabs Van's hat. The cow that was thrown through the wall before starts mowing. She's okay, guys. It just pops its head up from the balcony like Carl walks over to Van Helsing and gives him his hat.

SPEAKER_04 45:42

A woman screams out, He killed the bride! He killed Marushka!

SPEAKER_02 45:47

And the angry mob starts to head towards Van and Carl.

SPEAKER_03 45:50

You killed Marusha! You kill the vampire!

SPEAKER_13 45:54

But isn't that a good thing? Vampires only kill when they need to survive. One or two people a month. Now they will kill for revenge.

SPEAKER_02 46:02

The crowd start getting louder.

SPEAKER_13 46:04

Were you always this popular?

SPEAKER_02 46:06

Pretty much.

SPEAKER_13 46:07

So what name, my good sir, do I carve on your gravestone?

SPEAKER_02 46:10

Anna appears in the crowd. His name is John Wick. I mean Van Helsing. You shouldn't kill this dog.

SPEAKER_06 46:18

His name is Wolfaran.

SPEAKER_13 46:20

Well he turned into a Wolfaran.

SPEAKER_06 46:22

You kill my dog.

SPEAKER_02 46:24

There is a loud murmuring in the crowd of shock and disbelief. Your reputation besides you. Van Helsing gets up off the steps.

SPEAKER_06 46:31

Next time stay close. You're no good to me, dead.

SPEAKER_02 46:35

Anna smiles. Well, I'll say this for you. You got courage. Anna yells to the crowd. He is the first one to kill a vampire in over a hundred years. I'd say that turns him a drink.

SPEAKER_13 46:47

You sound like Edna from The Incredibles.

SPEAKER_02 46:49

Hello, darling. Glorious, darling. No capes. I'd say that's earned him a drink. No capes. Cut the Drag Killer waking up in his coffin. He seems to be encased in ice. Then Instathor's when he's waking up and rising. Momiska He's so dramatic, I love it, isn't he? Verona and Elyra are hanging upside down like bats nearby.

SPEAKER_07 47:16

Why can't they just leave us alone? We never kill more than our feeling less than our share. Dracula starts walking up the wall. Can they say the name of the hoist that is lifting me up off the wall? And you can see my knees slightly bending.

SPEAKER_11 47:32

Did I not stress how important it was to be finished with Anna Valerius before she destroyed what we are trying to create? We lost Marishka.

SPEAKER_02 47:42

Master! Dracula is now walking on the ceiling next to his two brides. There, my darlings.

SPEAKER_12 47:47

Do not worry. I am a puss in boots. There, my darlings. Do not worry. I shall find another bride. One far younger and more powerful.

SPEAKER_02 47:59

Star Wars line. One far and more powerful.

SPEAKER_12 48:04

What? Why do we mean so little to you?

SPEAKER_06 48:07

Have you no heart?

SPEAKER_12 48:09

No, I have no heart. I feel no love.

SPEAKER_07 48:12

Dracula drops to the floor. No fear, nor joy, nor sorrow. I am hollow that rhymes. And I will live forever.

SPEAKER_06 48:25

Oh my lord. It is not so bad.

SPEAKER_02 48:30

I am at war with the world and every living soul in it. Camera cuts to some masked luckies. Must be Dracula's foot soldiers. That do nothing. Literally.

SPEAKER_13 48:40

What do they do? They've got coal armor, but they're pointless.

SPEAKER_02 48:42

They use a good handwheel.

SPEAKER_13 48:44

Maybe those were the first experiments. Because that's where the girls are going on about oh I don't want any more failed experiments. The helmets on them. With their little reptile teeth.

SPEAKER_02 48:55

Piranicids.

SPEAKER_13 48:56

I'm not breastfeeding that.

SPEAKER_12 48:59

But soon the final battle will begin. I must go find out who our new visitor is.

SPEAKER_02 49:05

The silhouette of a werewolf chained to the wall appears behind a curtain.

SPEAKER_11 49:08

You will have to make a pair of teeth out of him. We are much too close to success to be interrupted now.

SPEAKER_06 49:15

No! The last experiment was a failure.

SPEAKER_02 49:19

Verona and Elira jumped down to the floor.

SPEAKER_03 49:22

Please say you will not try again. My heart could not bear the sorrow if we fail again.

SPEAKER_02 49:28

Dracula vampire snarls at his bride. The brides retreat back.

SPEAKER_12 49:35

Come, do not fear me. Everybody else fears me.

SPEAKER_06 49:38

You just finish screaming at them and you're like, don't fear me.

SPEAKER_02 49:42

Absolutely no sense. The werewolf gets zapped by a minion behind the curtains. Probably Igor.

SPEAKER_11 49:48

Igor?

SPEAKER_02 49:49

Eagle comes from behind the curtain with a zappy stick. Yep, I was right, it was Igor. Yes, master.

SPEAKER_11 49:55

Why do you torment that thing so?

SPEAKER_02 49:58

It's what I do. Well, if it ain't my little buddy Benny.

SPEAKER_11 50:04

Remember, Benny. Do unto others.

SPEAKER_02 50:08

I was like, is easy to start with it for fun? Because that's great.

SPEAKER_06 50:10

That's what I thought. Remember, Igor, do unto others. Before they do unto me, master.

SPEAKER_12 50:18

Now go, all of you.

SPEAKER_02 50:20

The foot soldiers in the high viewpoints start to leave. Dukasala Fan can start Dracula starts glutting back with his brides all over him.

SPEAKER_09 50:31

Yes, we will try again.

SPEAKER_02 50:33

Dracula and the brides freeze into a wall. So frickin' weird. Mommy, I'm cold. Cut to Anna, Carl, and Van Helsing in the building. So how did you get here? Bike Messenger knocked me down. Yeah, there he goes again.

SPEAKER_13 50:47

We came by sea, Uncle Ben.

SPEAKER_06 50:50

Really? The sea? Well, yes. The Andretic Sea? What other sea? So where do I find Dracula?

SPEAKER_02 50:58

He used to live in this very house four centuries ago. There is a lot of stuff in this house. Lots of knights' armors, trinkets, cases, and weaponry on the walls. No one knows where he lives now. My father would stare at this painting for hours looking for Dracula's lair. The painting is a large map of Transylvania that's very similar to the maps of Middle Earth you might see. Carl looks at the map. So that's why you've come? I can help you. No one can help me. I can try. Anna starts grabbing weapons off the wall and loading her belts and holders. You can die trying. All of my family has. I can handle myself. Sure you can. She like almost got killed just moments ago. Yeah. And then almost killed by a werewolf before that. So I noticed. The vampires attacked in daylight. They never do that. Van smirks as Anna comes towards him with a sword in hand. I was unprepared. It won't happen again. So why did they attack in daylight? Clearly they wanted to catch me off guard. They seem almost desperate to finish off my family. Why is that? Why now? You ask a lot of questions.

SPEAKER_06 52:03

Usually I ask only two. What are we dealing with and how do I kill it?

SPEAKER_02 52:08

My father spent most of his life looking for answers year after year, tearing through the tower, combing through the family archives. Carl, the tower.

SPEAKER_06 52:16

Start there. Oh, right. The only way to save your family is to stay alive until Dracula is killed. And who will kill him if not me? Who will show courage if not me? You go out there alone, and you'll be outmanned and outpositioned, and you can't see in the dark. In the morning, Will will hunt him, but we'll do it together.

SPEAKER_02 52:37

Enna and Van look deeply into each other's eyes. Some say you're a murderer, Mr. Van Housing. Others say you're a holy man. Some even say you're a Wolverine.

SPEAKER_06 52:48

He flashes back.

SPEAKER_02 52:50

He's like, what? Which is it? It's a bit of all three, I think. I can't remember. I promised you a drink. Yes, you did. The bar is right down the hall and to the left. I mean the right. Stay to the right. Help yourself. As for me, I'm going to finish this once and for all. Or probably get killed by the many things that almost killed me before. Van Helsing sighs and turns to walk behind Anna.

SPEAKER_06 53:14

I'm sorry you have to carry this burden alone. He must have been taking the piss.

SPEAKER_13 53:19

He's come up here. Absolutely ruined. He's helped everybody in the city and he's going, oh yeah, must be a big burden being useless.

SPEAKER_02 53:29

Must be a burden being useless like that. On the contrary, I would wish for it no other way. Maybe less death as a family though, possibly. And I'm sorry about your father. I will see them again. Maybe in Van Helsing too, the search for more money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We Transylvanians always look on the brighter side of death. There's a brighter side of death? Yes, it's harder to see. But it's brighter. Death waving his hand in front of his face, going, You can't see me. Yeah. Van then knocks Anna out with some spray gas. He catches her as she falls. Nap time. Sleep.

SPEAKER_06 54:06

I'm sorry about that too.

SPEAKER_02 54:08

Cuts Anna waking up in a bed. Van Helsing! Anna starts storming through the estate looking for Van Helsing, but can't find anyone. Anna grabs a lantern and starts exploring the dark, ominous corridors. Anna grabs a mace for good measure.

SPEAKER_07 54:22

Whose house is this? Oh my god. I got a concussion. I don't know where I am.

SPEAKER_02 54:28

Anna creeps around the corner, ready to attack. When she turns into a would-be attacker, it just turns out to be an open window. Anna relaxes and closes the window. Classic horror movie mistake.

SPEAKER_13 54:39

You're so on edge, you'll I'm gonna leave them with windows open, even though there's vampires everywhere. And they can come out at night time 100%. But don't worry about it.

SPEAKER_02 54:45

Anna then spots wet, wolfy prints on the floor near the window. Something is in the house.

SPEAKER_13 54:51

It's just her dog. They didn't introduce the dog at the start of the It's just one of those big Irish wolf hounds.

SPEAKER_02 54:56

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Van Halcyon tube the shaggy dog. Something is stalking Anna. Anna grabs and loads a pistol. The hunter is watching Anna from above. Here is dripping on the floor behind Anna's footsteps. Anna turns to see the dripping. A werewolf is above Anna on the wall. Anna fires at it and runs. As Anna runs past the window, you can see clouds cover the moon outside. Anna keeps looking for the werewolf but turns and finds her brother, Valkan, covered in blood.

SPEAKER_06 55:21

For that blood, is it possible that she didn't actually miss but just like graze the side of his face?

SPEAKER_02 55:26

Could have been. Yeah, she could actually hit him. Because she's not using silver bullets. I think she's just using a pistol.

SPEAKER_06 55:31

Yeah, because it doesn't make any sense why he's got blood on his face and she fired at such a close range.

SPEAKER_02 55:37

Well he might have been feeding before this as well. True. Valkan? Anna? Oh my god, you're alive! Valcon pushes Anna away in fear. No, Anna. I only have a moment. But there's a weather. Never mind. Listen to me. Listen to me now.

SPEAKER_08 55:54

I know Dracula's secret.

SPEAKER_02 55:56

Valcon stops mid-sentence and starts shaking and almost choking. Valkan takes a step backwards, still reaching his arm out to Anna.

SPEAKER_03 56:04

Valkan!

SPEAKER_02 56:05

Please!

SPEAKER_03 56:05

No! No!

SPEAKER_02 56:07

Valkan starts contorting around before climbing backwards up a wall where he does reverse backstroke. That was weird. Valkan sees the cloud move away from the once again exposed moon outside.

SPEAKER_04 56:19

Runana!

SPEAKER_02 56:20

Valkan starts to tear the flesh from his body to reveal the werewolf fur underneath. Brutal. I don't care what anyone says about the quality of his film, but this transformation scene has to be one of my favourite in movie history. So good. Others might have better CGI or might have better budgets or stuff for it, but nothing has a better idea that I've ever seen, like other than the nails grow and the fangs grow. It's like this is tearing flesh off to reveal the wolf inside, which is great.

SPEAKER_13 56:45

It's like all the old teen wolf things. It's either, you know, just add a bit of hair and put a fake dog nose on. Yeah, yeah. Type of thing. Instead of this, it's like this whole morphic body changing.

SPEAKER_02 56:54

Van Helsing arrives. Van starts shooting at the werewolf. Vulcan the werewolf smashes through a window and escapes outside. Van Helsing runs up to the totally traumatized Anna. Anna? Anna! Are you okay? Are you okay, Anna? You've been struck by werewolf. Anna is completely canatonic. Van runs to Ador to see the werewolf is still around. The werewolf takes off through a river. Carl walks into the room.

SPEAKER_13 57:21

Why does it smell like wet dog in here? Werewolf! Right, you'll be needing silver bullets then.

SPEAKER_02 57:26

Carl throws a pack of silver bullets as Van Helsing runs outside. Cut to Van Helsing loading a pistol with silver bullets as he walks around the foggy dark of night. Van Helsing can feel someone's presence around somewhere.

SPEAKER_06 57:39

Do you think that's part of his angel abilities that he can feel presence around him?

SPEAKER_02 57:43

Or maybe he just found a witch doctor that heals him. Sorry, that's a punished joke from the old days. Van Helsing quickly points his gun. But no one's there. Who's hunting home? Van backs up to a corner. Top Hat is in a coffin next to him. For some reason, standing cross armed like a vampire. He spooks Van Helsing. Nice night.

SPEAKER_13 58:03

This is a bit tight for me, but for you it's a perfect fit.

SPEAKER_06 58:06

What a coincidence. See, the wolf man hasn't killed you yet. Don't worry. He's getting to it. You don't seem to be bothered by him.

SPEAKER_02 58:14

Top hat walks over to a grave and starts digging.

SPEAKER_12 58:17

Oh, I'm no threat to him. I'm just the one who cleans up after him, if you get my meaning.

SPEAKER_06 58:23

A little late for digging graves, isn't it? Never too late to dig graves.

SPEAKER_02 58:28

Van hears a noise in the distance.

SPEAKER_13 58:29

You never know when you'll need a fresh one.

SPEAKER_02 58:31

Tophat goes to attack Van Helsing from behind, but Van catches the handle. Van Helsing points his gun at the Undertaker.

SPEAKER_12 58:38

Oh, sorry, that's just in my nature.

SPEAKER_02 58:41

The Undertaker gets a scared look on his face, but not about Van Helsing. Van looks behind him, just in time to avoid a charging werewolf, which gets the Undertaker instead. Spears him and kills him.

SPEAKER_13 58:52

Do you reckon that was the trick? Him to throw the shovel down so he turned back around to him and then the werewolf is like, haha.

SPEAKER_02 58:59

Maybe, like to try and get him distracted? Possibly. The Undertaker gets nunzio spared hard. His corpse landing in a fresh grave. If you want to know what nunzio spared means, watch the 2004 Royal Rumble. He's a guy called Nunzio in the wrestling. He gets spared by Gulberg. Completely destroys him.

SPEAKER_06 59:16

Just like spares him from half of the ring and just pfft. Oh, that's so good.

SPEAKER_02 59:20

Fatality. Van Helsing then starts shooting at the werewolf. Anna comes from nowhere and stops Van Helsing from hurting the werewolf. The werewolf runs away. Wuss. Move! No! The werewolf escapes. Van Helsing grabs Anna by the throat and slams her against a wooden wall. Pretty aggressive. Ooh, city on there, Van.

SPEAKER_06 59:38

Why? Joking me. Give me a reason not to. I can't. If people knew. He's not your brother anymore, Anna.

SPEAKER_02 59:48

Wait. Van knows. You knew? Yes. Before or after I stopped you from shooting him? Before. Anna shoves Van Helsing. And you still tried to kill him. Well, he is a werewolf. You were happy to kill the other one, so what's the difference now? Being her brother doesn't change what he is. He's a werewolf. He's going to kill people. He can't help it.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:10

It's not his fault. I know, but he'll do it anyway.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:14

Do you understand forgiveness? What is Anna talking about? Her brother's a werewolf. Werewolves kill people. He's no different to a vampire now. Literally. Yep. Need to be said? Head to bring in the old literally. Yes. I ask for it often. They say Dracula has a cure. Literally. If it's a chance I can save my brother, I'm going after it. No, I need to find Dracula.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:40

And I need to find my brother. He gave his life for me. He watched Morbius, so I wouldn't have to.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:47

He's the only family I have left. I despise Dracula for more than you can ever imagine. More than the movie Morbius? Almost as much. He has taken everything from me, leaving me alone in this world. Van wrestles with his bitter judgments.

SPEAKER_13 1:01:02

I read Betelgeuse. Beetlejuice. Van wrestles with Betelgeuse, and then I read it and I was like, nope. You don't want to wrestle that guy.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:10

To have memories of those you loved and lost is perhaps harder than to have no memories at all. Alright. And it gives Van a sad eyes look. Yeah, and that works on him because of course it does. Put some boot ties. We'll look for your brother.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:24

Cut to Castle Frankenstein. The foot soldiers are getting the machines up and running again. You can see all the cobwebs, so you know it's been a long time since it was used. The machine powers up. One of the foot soldiers is in a hanging seat and has one of those handbikes like an American gladiator's. He uses it to get across the room. Dracula is watching from above.

SPEAKER_12 1:01:44

Igor.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:45

Yes, Master.

SPEAKER_12 1:01:47

How long before we are ready?

SPEAKER_06 1:01:49

Soon, Master. Very soon. It is difficult without the good doctor, but the DeWerjee, they are doing well, huh?

SPEAKER_02 1:01:59

Good. It reminds me of Famigo with the bug on the couch. Good. Yeah, yeah. Guuuuu. Cough back to Van Helsing and Anna in the woods. Anna explains how to her this is all personal as it's about family and honour. Anna asks why Van Helsing does what he does. Van says maybe self-realization, but so far all he's gotten is nightmares. Van finds some werewolf here on a tree branch. Verwolves only shed before the first full moon, before the curse has completely consumed them. Like drugs or Pokemon card collecting.

SPEAKER_07 1:02:32

Which is both gambling.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:34

Cut to Van Helsing and Anna running towards a castle with their horses behind them. Yeah, which is weird. Why not be on the horses? Yeah, it's a bit weird. What is this place? Castle Frankenstein, but it should be abandoned. I don't understand. The man who lived here was killed a year ago. So it's only been a year since Victor Frankenstein died.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:52

A grave rubber, among other things. A year ago. It was just after that that your father went missing.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:00

Yes. He was looking for Dracula. He was on his way to the sea. I have never been to the sea. And a daydreams at night for a moment. About the sea. I bet it's beautiful. It's okay. It's a sea? Maybe a C. I see what you did there. Cut to the werewolf jumping inside Castle Frankenstein from a high roof window. Werewolves be agile. The werewolf jumps and swings down to where Dracula and his boys are. Felcan starts reverting back to human form. Seeing the werewolf ripping off his chest flesh is cool, but also gross.

SPEAKER_12 1:03:38

I send you on a simple errand to find out who our new visitor is, and you have a stop for a little chat with your sister. Leave her out of this, count. She doesn't know your secret, and I am soon to take it to my grave. Don't wish for death so quickly. I intend for you to be quite useful. I would rather die than help you. Oh, don't be boring. Everyone who says that dies. Besides, tonight, after the final stroke of midnight, you will have no choice but to obey me.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:06

A foot soldier dropped something to the ground.

SPEAKER_12 1:04:08

Look familiar?

SPEAKER_02 1:04:10

It's a body with a crucifix around its neck.

SPEAKER_12 1:04:12

Father?

unknown 1:04:13

No.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:18

Yes, thank you, Darth Vader. It's funny because I just did episode three, Revenge of the Sith, too, so I'm used to that. Valcan goes to attack Dracula, but Dracula simply puts his fingers under Valcan's chin to overpower him. Like the smell of my poo fingers, boy. Smell my poo.

SPEAKER_13 1:04:33

Smell my poos.

SPEAKER_12 1:04:34

He proved useless, but I'm hoping with whirl or venom running through your veins, you will be at the greater benefit.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:41

Two foot soldiers strap Valkan down to a chair.

SPEAKER_08 1:04:44

I may have failed to kill you, Count, but my sister will not.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:47

Dracula starts to dance.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:49

No no no no no.

SPEAKER_06 1:04:51

If he knows the secret to what can kill Dracula, why doesn't he just do it himself?

SPEAKER_02 1:04:57

He hasn't got the power to overcome Dracula. All werewolves pretty much are under his control.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:03

Yeah, that's but only after the first full moon.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:06

I think it was like written in the stars that it was actually him was the one that's supposed to transform and take him out. It's a good question because otherwise, yeah, he's still got control. Why doesn't he just try and kill him now? I guess he just can't. Because movies said so. Yeah. Movie logic. Come back to Van Helsing and Anna exploring Frankenstein's castle. Loads more cobwebs around. Anna pushes Van to the side to avoid being seen by some foot soldiers. Dewjee. DeWerjee. Dracula's servants. Industrious, but extremely vicious. If you get the chance to kill one, do it because they'll do worse to you. Right. Anna overhears the foot soldiers speaking in a native tongue. They say they're using my brother in some sort of experiment. Anna goes to run, but Van stops her. My brother is battling the sickness within him.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:46

There's still hope. So he's not down with the sickness? Oh waka waka. Anna, there is no hope for your brother. Van Helsing, motivational speaker.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:56

There's no hope for your drug addict brother, Anna. Tonight on hoarders.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:02

But we can still protect others by killing Dracula.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:06

Cut to Igor working hard with the foot soldiers trying to get the machine ready. Dracula is standing upside down under a bridge.

SPEAKER_12 1:06:13

Let us begin.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:15

A foot soldier pulls a lever. The machine starts up. Velcan gets raised into the air. Cut back to Van Helsing and Anna. They come to a room that has large dangling gooey sacks hanging from the ceiling. That's what she says.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:27

You ever seen these things before? No.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:30

What do you think they are? Offspring. All the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:36

Bam bam wow wow. I love how he just happens to know it's offspring. Nah, no, why didn't Val Helsing get a job? Say no way. Say no way. What? A man with three gorgeous women for 400 years.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:52

Van Helsing. Party Liaison. Yes, vampires are the walking dead. It only makes sense that children are born dead.

SPEAKER_06 1:06:59

He's obviously trying to bring them to life.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:02

Wake me up! Wake me up and wake me up.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:05

Take me up and I'm a gooey so you can call my name and save me from the Van offers Anna to go through the most vampire sacks.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:15

Sorry. Most vampire sacks. Van offers Anna to go through the moist vampire sacks first. Ladies first. Anna just looks at Van. Van Helsing walks up front. Pretty nasty walking through those sacks. How would you know? You never did it. He did it. How do you know? I might have been in this movie. I just got edited out. Too much Greg, they said. If you look closely, you see a beard on those sacks.

SPEAKER_13 1:07:39

I am the sack.

SPEAKER_06 1:07:41

Dracula and his brides only kill one or two people a month. If he brings all these to life.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:48

Shot zooms out to reveal thousands of moist vampire sacks. I hate that word so much. I know that's why I'm using it.

SPEAKER_13 1:07:55

That's why I'm using it. Thousands of vampire sacks. They're all moist.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:58

A lot like Gremlins eggs, though, or alien eggs as well, aren't they? For the movie Aliens.

SPEAKER_13 1:08:02

Like dripping with goo, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:03

Come back to Dracula and crew using the machine. So many sparks. I thought it was Goldberg's entrance. Valkan is having a shocking time. Electricity is completely overtaking them.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:14

Throw the switches!

SPEAKER_02 1:08:16

Eagle pulls the switch from the machine. Yes, master! An electricity bolt leaves the room and heads through the castle. The bolt energizes the moist vampire sacks. Van Helsing and Anna can now hear multiple heartbeats in the egg chamber. Van touches an egg. When he does, it gives off an electric charge. Van removes his glove.

SPEAKER_06 1:08:36

What are you doing? Gonna see what we're up against.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:39

Van bare hands an egg, removing its fleshy shell bit by bit.

SPEAKER_06 1:08:45

Hmm.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:45

As Van Helsing gets to work on that egg, another egg starts to open up. Alien style behind Anna. You can see a little wee hand coming out.

SPEAKER_06 1:08:54

So, this is what you get when vampires mate.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:58

As Van pulls his hand back towards the egg, a baby vamp pops out. The other one pops out behind Anna. Jump scare! It's very much like Mummy Returns, those little pygmy warriors in the trees. Come back to Velcan, completely baking and frying with electricity. Multiple electric bolts travel down to the egg chamber. Baby vamps start popping out all over the egg chamber. The brides see their babies from a balcony along with Dracula. Verona has a baby vamp land in her hand before allowing it to fly away. The bride and Dracula hug in relief and celebration.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:29

My Verona.

SPEAKER_12 1:09:31

They need to feed. Teach them how.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:34

Teach them! Alira and Verona transform and fly in the air with their vamp babies. They fly out of the room.

SPEAKER_12 1:09:41

And beg the devil that this time they stay alive.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:45

Carter Van Helsing and Anna watching the vamp babies escape out the windows.

SPEAKER_06 1:09:50

This is where I come in.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:51

No, wait. Van Helsing starts shotgunning the vamp babies in the air. Dracula sees Van Helsing. Van sees Dracula after blasting the vamp baby in Dracula's line of sight. Now that I have your attention, Dracula growls and flies down to meet Van Helsing. Van starts running away. Yik! Van Helsing comes to a door that closes in his face. Cut to Carl, back at Dracula's old estate, surrounded by a mountain of books. Yes, well, that's interesting. Carl goes to the window and sees the vamp babies flying in. Well, that's not good. Must warn somebody. Cut back to Van Helsing. Dracula stops flying around. He lands back into human form.

SPEAKER_12 1:10:30

I can tell the character of a man by the sound of his heartbeat. Usually when I approach.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:35

Dracula starts clapping to a rhythm of a heartbeat that gets faster.

SPEAKER_12 1:10:39

I can almost dance to the beat. Strange that yours is so steady.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:45

Cut to Anna in the machine room. We must keep the atmosphere electrified. Exhilarate the generators. Power the dynamos.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:56

The machine starts to shut down.

SPEAKER_06 1:10:58

We are losing power.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:00

The human is insufficient. Anna looks up to see an electrified Valcan strapped to a chair. Valcan! Isn't he strapped to a table? I think table chair, same diff. Yeah. Something wooden. Cut to some villagers coming outside from the buildings in the village. They can sense something is coming and they are looking up in the sky. They see a wave of vamp babies flying towards them.

SPEAKER_09 1:11:21

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:24

The vamp babies start to lift villagers in the air. The brides are taking villagers too and throwing them to vamp babies. Fed, my darlings! Fed! Come back to Dracula, still hunting for Van Helsing back at Frankenstein's castle. Van Helsing uses fire as a distraction and tries to get the jump on Dracula. He stabs Dracula right in the heart with a stake.

SPEAKER_06 1:11:44

It's funny that he's talking about hearing heartbeats but he can't find them all of a sudden.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:48

Maybe he stopped breathing. Van Helsing finger crosses then speaks in Latin. May he rest in peace. Dracula chokes a bit, but then just stares at Van Helsing.

SPEAKER_12 1:11:57

Hello, Gabriel.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:59

Lightning strikes outside. Cut to Anna in the machine room. She looks at the rope that goes high in the sky, but also goes down to what looks like boiling acid. Oh no! It's boiling acid! Classic Batman Forever. The foot soldiers spot Anna and come after her. Anna jumps onto the rope. Foot soldiers. Teenage bit ninja turtles over some. Absolutely, always. Well, it's easier than saying DeWergy.

SPEAKER_06 1:12:23

Yeah, true.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:23

Some of the foot soldiers jump onto the rope as well. Anna fights with them, throwing one down into the boiling acid. Anna climbs up the rope, but two more foot soldiers jump onto the rope and grab at her feet. Anna pulls out her awesome sword and cuts the rope beneath her. The foot soldiers get a bubble bath too. A boiling acid! Igor sees the foot soldiers fall and look up to investigate. Igor sees Anna climbing up the rope to her brother at the top. We must not lose the master's progini. Come back to Dracula and Van Helsing. Dracula has pulled the stake out of his heart and is examining it. Huh.

SPEAKER_12 1:12:57

Is this your silver stake?

SPEAKER_02 1:12:59

Dracula tosses the stake away. I guess that was a mistake by Van Helsing. Vampire humour. It never sucks. Van Helsing looks shocked that the stake has no effect. Also, probably because of the whole Gabriel thing too.

SPEAKER_12 1:13:12

How long has it been? Three hundred? Four hundred years?

SPEAKER_02 1:13:16

Dracula then squints and removes his cape as he realizes.

SPEAKER_12 1:13:20

You don't remember, do you?

SPEAKER_02 1:13:23

Dracula walks towards Van, but Van backs out of the way.

SPEAKER_06 1:13:26

Exactly what is it I should be remembering?

SPEAKER_12 1:13:30

You are the great Van Helsing, trained by monks and Moolas, from Tibet to Istanbul. Protected by Rome herself.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:38

Dracula removes his glove. What is this? A vampire strip tease?

SPEAKER_12 1:13:42

Look at me, beautiful, mysterious man. With one open glove hand. Tonight, Van Helsing, with your also no gloved hand, we shall dance. But like me, hunted by all others.

SPEAKER_06 1:13:55

The knights of the Holy Order know all about you. It's no surprise you'd know about me.

SPEAKER_12 1:14:01

Let me touch your open hand.

SPEAKER_06 1:14:03

Yes.

SPEAKER_12 1:14:04

Yes, but it's much more than this.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:06

Dracula moves forward again. Van becks away.

SPEAKER_12 1:14:09

We have such history, you and I, Gabriel. Have you ever wondered why you have such horrible nightmares? Horrific scenes of ancient battles past?

SPEAKER_02 1:14:17

How do you know me? Cup back to the machine room. Anna reaches her brother, Falcan, who's still cooking. He's cooking. And we can smell it. It smells like a cooked dog in here. Falcan! Falcan stops cooking. Anna touches his face and starts to untie the restraints.

SPEAKER_12 1:14:35

Anna, no, no, no. I need to finish these dumplings before the next order.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:40

I'm still cooking.

SPEAKER_12 1:14:41

Anna, no, no, no. Don't unstrap me.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:43

Anna fights Velcan, still trying to remove the restraints. No! You must not stop it! Stop it! I'm getting you out of here! Valkan starts convulsing.

SPEAKER_06 1:14:55

Foaming at the mouth. He's got rabies.

SPEAKER_13 1:14:58

Oh, it makes sense. He's a wolf. Yeah, yeah. Got bitten by another wolf with rabies.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:02

Valkan, it's alright. I'm taking you home. Valkan covers Anna's mouth with his hand, then starts wolfing out. He has those Michael Jackson thriller werewolf type of eyes. I didn't hear an old bell. Come back to Van Helsing. Or should I say, Gabrielle and Dracula. Van hears Valkan yelling in the distance.

SPEAKER_12 1:15:21

So, would you like me to refresh your memory a little? Hmm? A few details from your sordid past?

SPEAKER_02 1:15:27

Van Helsing pulls out a collapsible crucifix. Looks really cool when unfolded. Dracula grabs onto the crucifix. Although it burns Dracula, Dracula can still burn and melt it.

SPEAKER_12 1:15:37

Perhaps this is a conversation for another time. Allow me to reintroduce myself. I am Count Vladislas Dragulia. Born 1422, murdered 1462.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:50

Cut to a villager leaping out of a window and getting caught in mid-air by some vamp babies. Carl watches the carnage from the ground. A woman is hanging on while a vamp baby tries to take her.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:00

Oh my god, like help me.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:03

I'm so high off the ground. Oh my god. Carl springs into action. He grabs a bucket and runs towards the woman. Carl tosses the bucket at the vamp baby. The woman falls into Carl's arms. Another vamp baby comes flying towards them just as it's about to strike. It stops. The vamp baby then starts convulsing in mid-air before exploding. The brides can see the vamp baby starting to explode one by one from the air. The bride starts to scream and fly away back to Frankenstein's castle. As the brides come screaming in, Dracula is distracted, so Van Helsing runs away. Van uses his awesome circular sword blades to cut a rope and create an up elevator. Anna also starts to run away in the machine room, leaving a screaming Vulcan behind. Anna backs into Van Helsing.

SPEAKER_06 1:16:48

I think we're alone now.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:50

Doesn't seem to be anyone around.

SPEAKER_07 1:16:53

Oh, that's brilliant.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:55

I think we've overstayed our welcome. Van Helsing pulls out his Batman grappling gun and fires it through a tree in the woods across the cliffs from the castle. Really great range from that grappling gun.

SPEAKER_13 1:17:05

Like 1.4k slow. I don't even know how that would fit in the spindle of the handle. Unless it was like bundled up in his arm and like shot out his wrist.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:13

Yeah, you don't see it though, eh? Imagine winding that back up like a vacuum cleaner cord. That would have some ricochet coming back. It's a put my thumb on there. Van jams the handle in into a piece of metal, creating the flying fox line. Velkan, meanwhile, continues to wolf out. Van grabs Anna. They sail along the flying fox line as Velcan the wolf jumps towards them. Velcan the wolf decides to jump on the flying fox line as the machine behind them really starts to fall to bits. The flying fox line breaks. Van Alcing and Anna swing towards the woods, while Velkan the wolf falls into the water below. Not a great shot of Wolfie falling here. I got Bane and Batman and Robin vibes when he's escaping Arkham with Freeze. Oh yeah. Yeah, it wasn't great. Come back to Carl and the woman he saved. They are standing still, trying to fathom what on earth just happened.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:02

What happened?

SPEAKER_02 1:18:05

They just died. The woman hugs and kisses Carl. How can I like ever repay you? Carl smirks a little and whispers in the woman's ear.

SPEAKER_13 1:18:13

But you can't do that. You're a mug, silly.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:18

So good. Well, actually, I'm just a friar. The woman smiles in delight. Looks like Carl is about to fry her.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:27

Oh no.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:28

Cut back to the brides crying and moaning at the castle. Igor and Dracula are there too.

SPEAKER_06 1:18:33

I'm sorry, master. We try and we try, but I fear we are not so smart as Dr. Frankenstein.

SPEAKER_12 1:18:42

Truly it would appear that the good doctor took the key to life to his grave.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:48

Volkan the werewolf pops up to meet Dracula. Dracula speaks to Wolfie.

SPEAKER_12 1:18:52

Hunt them down, kill them both.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:55

Cut to Anna and Van Helsing walking in the rain. A great way to catch a cold, that is. Anna explains that Van using the silver stake wasn't the answer. Nothing is. They have all been tried before. Yet later she's surprised by reflection and the heartbeat that Dracula doesn't have. Of course. My god. No one knows how to kill Dracula.

SPEAKER_06 1:19:14

Well, I could have used that information a little earlier. Don't give me that look.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:18

Anna walks away a few meters before stopping and realizing that she was wrong. You were right. I'm sorry. He's not my brother anymore. Van takes his head off and puts it on Anna, as the burnt-out wooden structure they are under is not sheltering them from the rain well. Do you have any family, Mr. Van Housing?

SPEAKER_06 1:19:34

Not sure. I hope to find out someday. Van pulls out a bottle of liquor.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:38

Looks to be absinthe. Anna takes the bottle. Here's to what keeps you going. Absinthe. Strong stuff. Anna drinks the absinthe. Van takes the bottle back. Don't let it touch your tongue. It'll knock you on your. As Anna says ass, both Anna and Van fall as the ground collapses beneath them. Oh, it crashes everywhere.

SPEAKER_07 1:19:57

My legs!

SPEAKER_02 1:20:00

Van and Anna fall hard into what looks like maybe a leftover set from the Goonies. A cave-like area with broken pieces of wood around it. Even has bats flying around for a nice Batman reference. I'd be eating all the bats. Flying around chasing them. Bats are chickens of the cave.

SPEAKER_13 1:20:16

You want a chicken of the cave?

SPEAKER_02 1:20:18

Cuts of morning. The books are still piled up in the room at the old Dracula estate. Carl is dreaming. Seems to be about vampires. Loud noises! Carl wakes up in a fright. The woman from the night before is next to him. She whacks Carl's arm, which freaks him out more. Carl then looks to see it's the woman.

SPEAKER_13 1:20:36

Now I remember.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:37

Carl leans against a nearby fixture. Fixture gives way as it reveals a hidden mechanic in the wall, which reveals a secret painting. Two knights fight in front of a nearby castle. There is scripture about the borders of the painting. Carl starts to read it.

SPEAKER_13 1:20:50

Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night may become wolf and wolfane blooms. The moonshine bright or crave, another's blood, and the sun goes down and his body takes to flight.

SPEAKER_02 1:21:00

A bell tolls. The knights in the painting start to move. The knights battle with swords and shields before each of them transform. One is a werewolf, the other a man bat. They continue grapple fighting. We were talking about this when we were watching it, Jeff. We felt that it was weird because it seemed animated in a place where it shouldn't be animated because it wouldn't have anything back then. But then you said maybe it's Carl as he's reading it, it's like his interpretation of what's happening, which makes a lot more sense than just a cartoon all of a sudden showing up.

SPEAKER_06 1:21:26

Yeah, or a random magic thing considering you never see it again. Yeah, because there's no magic. The closest you get to magic is that door, isn't it? When they fix the piece that Van Housing has and it makes the door.

SPEAKER_02 1:21:37

But there's no sorcery that we've ever seen, really, is there? So Carl gets freaked out by this and runs backwards, knocking the sleeping woman out of the couch bed.

SPEAKER_06 1:21:45

And himself.

SPEAKER_02 1:21:46

Cut back to the watery caves where Van Helsing and Anna fell. Anna wakes up and starts moving pieces of wood away. Van covers her mouth, insisting she is quiet.

SPEAKER_06 1:21:54

There's something down here and it's carnivores. There's something down here and it's carnival.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:03

I love the smoky mist coming off the cave pool here.

SPEAKER_06 1:22:06

Whatever it is, it appears to be human.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:09

Van picks up a Bible. Van starts tracking.

SPEAKER_06 1:22:12

I'd say he's a size 17. Around 360 pounds. Eight and a half to nine feet tall. And he has a bad gimp in his right leg and uh three cuppered teeth.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:27

Van curls his jacket so he can reach for his gun. How do you know he has cup of teeth? Because he's standing right behind you. Move! Van Helsing tries to fire, but the big guy throws his gun and Van away.

SPEAKER_10 1:22:39

Please don't get him down here. I want you to be alone. Get out of my house.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:46

Van lands in the misty water. It's Frankenstein's monster from the start of the movie. He's alive! Alive! Oh my god, it's the fucking same monster. Monster? Who's the monster here? The monster grabs Anna.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:01

I have done nothing wrong yet. Your cardal wished me dead. He took the mash. Boom boom boom boom.

SPEAKER_02 1:23:08

Soggy Van attacks the monster from behind. As Van pushes the monster against the cave wall, the monster's head pops off and hangs like a door on hinges. Half his face does something similar.

SPEAKER_06 1:23:19

It's kind of like those crash test dummies, like when you throw them against things and they pop out and then you can put them back together again.

SPEAKER_02 1:23:25

Yeah, yeah, pretty much that way. This monster seriously needs one of those hang in there cat posters. Van goes to grab the monster but gets zappity zapped zapp zapped by the monster. Van lands back in the misty water while the monster pulls himself together. Literally, Matt.

SPEAKER_10 1:23:41

Literally pulls himself together.

SPEAKER_02 1:23:42

The monster hip twists like an 80s action figure and looks at Anna. The monster goes after Anna as Anna crawls away. What happened to the badass Anna we saw earlier? She's reverted. Used to fighting vampires and then she's just like, oh my man!

SPEAKER_03 1:23:55

What do you want?

SPEAKER_02 1:23:56

Anna's word echoes and stops the monster in his tracks. To exist The monster gets a few darts in his back, which knocks him down. Good old movie instant darts.

SPEAKER_04 1:24:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:24:07

Van Helsing has so many different weapons. Anna runs and grabs a pistol, ready to shoot the monster. Van blocks her.

SPEAKER_03 1:24:14

Don't! We must kill it! Wait! If you value your lives and the lives of your kind, you kill me! Anna goes to point the gun once again. No! If Dracula finds me, I am the key to my father's machine. The key to life! Life for Dracula's children.

SPEAKER_13 1:24:33

Life uh finds a way.

SPEAKER_06 1:24:35

It's chaos.

SPEAKER_03 1:24:37

He already awakened them last night. Two. And those were only from one bride. One single birthing. And they died as they did the last time he tried. Only with me can he give them lasting life. There are more? More of those things?

SPEAKER_02 1:24:54

Thousands and thousands more. The monster passes out. Van Helsing is astonished.

SPEAKER_10 1:25:00

He passes out.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:02

He was very dehydrated. Anna walks up with the pistol once more.

SPEAKER_06 1:25:07

No! You heard what he said. My life, my job is to vanquish evil. I can sense evil. This thing, this human torch, this Mr. Fantastic, this invisible woman, this man, whatever it is, evil may have created it, may have left its mark on it. But evil does not rule it. So I cannot kill it. A can. Not while I'm here. Anna, your family spent 400 years trying to kill Dracula. Maybe this poor creature can help us find a way.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:38

There is a noise from a higher up in the cave. It's Valkan the Wolf guy. Wolfie runs away as Anna shoots at it. Wolfie escapes. Oh my god, he's seen us! Now they'll come for him, and neither you nor I will be able to stop him.

SPEAKER_06 1:25:51

If I can get him to Rome, we can protect him there.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:54

Cut to Carl and Van Helsing outside the Dracula estate in the daytime. They are walking past a carriage with six horses attached to it. Carl explains to Van about the secret painting and how it came alive and two creatures attacked each other.

SPEAKER_06 1:26:07

What does it mean? I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 1:26:09

Listen, Carl, whatever you do, don't stare at him. Anna opens the door to the carriage. The monster is chained and angry inside. I'm staring at him. Is that a man? Van puts his hand on Carl's shoulder and leads him inside the carriage. Actually, it's seven men. Parts of them anyway. By exposing me, you have condemned me, me and all of humanity. Anna shuts the carriage door. Nothing is faster than Transylvanian horses. Not even a werewolf. Can't Superman outrun the carriage? Sure, kid. Why not? Mono means one, and rail means rail. Anything else? You're on your own. Cut to Van Halstein driving the carriage through the woods. The theme kicks back in. Yeah, here comes the theme again. The lanterns on the side of the carriage really stand out due to everything else being so gloomy. The monster struggles inside and tries to scare Carl into releasing him. Carl asks the monster, where would he go? Good point, Carl. Time for a map. Travel montage. Indiana Jones style. Night falls. The carriage is still making its way through the woods. Van Helsing can sense something. There are first person gliding shots from around the carriage. Van Helsing reads his waterboard. One of the brides comes flying down and grabs Van Helsing off the carriage. Van wriggles and fights until the bride drops him. Van lands on the horses that are pulling the carriage. The bridge in front has been destroyed. The carriage is heading for Doom! Van starts leaping on the back of the horses to try and get back to the carriage. The music here is very mummy-like. Van lands back on the front of the carriage, only to be grabbed by Alyra, the other bride. Van gets flipped and thrown in between the horses, hanging on for dear life. The carriage comes speeding towards the destroyed bridge and flies over it. Transylvanian horses be built different. Van uses the flying moment to leap onto the back of the horses. The carriage falls at the bridge gap.

SPEAKER_06 1:27:57

We must not let the creature be destroyed!

SPEAKER_02 1:28:00

The brides fly down to the falling carriage.

SPEAKER_09 1:28:03

Save him! Save the monster!

SPEAKER_02 1:28:05

Alyra stops helping and stays up as the carriage continues to fall. She's like, oh, you're on your own. Yeah. Okay. I will do this myself. Verona rips the carriage door off, only to find that the carriage is empty. It was all a ruse. As Van rides the horses, he looks to his right. In the woods you can see Anna driving the second carriage. This one has Carl popping his head out the door to show as the actual one this time. Verona still at the other carriage notices a bunch of silver stakes in it. Whoops. Big mistake, Verona? Verona takes off, but as the carriage hits the ground, the explosion sends stakes flying through the air. Some of the stakes penetrate through Verona's body. Verona starts to burn into ash as she falls down into the fiery blaze below.

SPEAKER_13 1:28:47

I'm not feeling too good, Mr. Stark.

SPEAKER_02 1:28:50

Meanwhile, Van catches up to Anna's carriage and leaps from his horses onto the seat next to Anna. Just as Valkan, the wolf boy, leaps and attacks from the front. Anna and Van leap to the sides of the carriage as the wolf lands on top, causing a lantern to smash and the roof to be set ablaze. Van's legs are dragging on the ground. Anna talks to Carl from the side window. She's clinging on while the carriage is right on the edge of a cliff. He's like, why is that path right on the edge of the cliff? Yeah. If all this forest that you could have chosen the path for, right on the edge.

SPEAKER_13 1:29:20

Easiest place for the vampires to fly over as well. It's an open space. Not through the trees.

SPEAKER_02 1:29:25

What are you doing out here? Don't let go! Van's handle that he's been holding on to starts to break. The back wheel of the carriage is not far from between his legs. Van starts banging on the door for Carl. Now Carl has people needing help from both sides of the carriage. What to do? What to do? I can help. You won't kill me? Only if you don't hurry. Cut to Van's handle breaking. Van starts to fall when he is grabbed. The monster saves Van Helsing's life. The monster tosses Van back to the front of the carriage. Just when things seem to be calming a bit, well at least as calm as it can get when you're riding Transylvanian horses with a carriage that has a blazing fire on top in the middle of the night. Close to the edge of a cliff. Close to the edge of a cliff. When suddenly Wolfie comes back. He climbs the window from behind the monster and looks at Van and Anna from the fiery top of the carriage. Fire looks excellent in 4K. Carl and Anna jump from the fiery carriage. Van does a slow-mo leap with two pistols. He points them while diving at an incoming Valcan, the wolf guy. Van Helsing fires at Wolfie. The horses detach from the carriage and continue to run. The carriage blows up in an 80s style explosion. Again and again and again from multiple angles. Is the monster dead? We don't know. Cuts at Anna walking through the woods. It's early morning. The sun is starting to come up. Anna sees something.

SPEAKER_03 1:30:45

Valcan!

SPEAKER_02 1:30:46

Anna runs to a human Velcan.

SPEAKER_03 1:30:48

Anna.

SPEAKER_02 1:30:49

Velcan is shaking. Forgive me. Velkan is dead. Literally though. Hey sister, I'm sorry. I will see you again. Anna sees Van approaching. He looks wounded. You killed him! Didn't Anna just agree that Velcan needed to be stopped? Literally. Van just can't win. Anna starts hitting him. You killed him! Now you know why they call me murderer. Anna notices a wound behind Van's coat. Oh my god. You've been bitten. I got bitten by a drunk guy once at one of my old jobs. It didn't turn into anything cool though. Just a court appearance for them.

SPEAKER_05 1:31:28

Perfect.

SPEAKER_02 1:31:28

Anna backs away from the van slowly. As she does, Alyra, the last bride standing, appears in human form. Alira gives Anna an epic hand smack, which sends Anna's head into a nearby rock. BAM! Nasty stuff. Anna barely even had time to smell what the rock was cooking. Alyra takes off of the unconscious Anna. Van can only run and watch. Alira flies off of Anna, applying the one-leg grab dangle. Anna! Carl and the monster meet Van on the edge of the cliff. They too can see Alira flying off of Anna. The monster isn't dead. Must have jumped out of the carriage of Carl. And I couldn't remember who lives and who dies. Car back to the village. Van, Carl, and the monster are walking the streets when Alira in human form glides down on a ledge nearby. Van whips out a pistol. So much trouble to my master.

SPEAKER_08 1:32:20

So much trouble.

SPEAKER_13 1:32:22

What do you want?

SPEAKER_06 1:32:23

The master commands a trade. The monster for the princess. Somewhere public. Lots of people. A place where your master will be less inclined to expose his other side. Tomorrow night is the All Hallows Eve here in Budapest.

SPEAKER_08 1:32:38

There is a wonderful masquerade ball.

SPEAKER_02 1:32:40

I do love the over-eye acting. The bride's doing this. Like when she's talking, she's like mass effect eyeing them. Alyra laughs and takes off into the air. Carl notices Van's wounds. The monster shoves Van.

SPEAKER_03 1:32:54

He has been bitten, bitten by a werewolf. Now you will become that which you have hunted so passionately.

SPEAKER_02 1:33:00

Van pulls out his dart gun. I am sorry. May others be as passionate in the hunting of you. Van blow darts the monster and puts him in a crypt for safekeeping. Carl and Van come out of the crypt. Carl is wearing a jester costume. Van puts a heavy nearby cross in the doorway to stop anyone getting in or out.

SPEAKER_13 1:33:19

According to the book, you won't turn into a werewolf until According to the book, you won't turn into a werewolf until the first rising of your first full moon. That's two nights from now. Even then you'll still be able to fight Dracula's hold over you until the final stroke of midnight. Sounds like I have nothing to worry about. Oh my god, you should be terrified. Thank you. Sorry, well, we still have forty-eight hours to find a solution. Carl looks back at the crypt. You sure he can't get out of there?

SPEAKER_02 1:33:47

Not without some help from the dead. A nearby grave starts to move. A hand can be seen coming out. Oh great. Zombies!

SPEAKER_06 1:33:54

Let's just add more creatures to the party. You know how weird it is that he just happens to be there when they're putting him in there trying to hide him? Egor just happens to be there.

SPEAKER_02 1:34:04

It is strange, but then again, he's got secret passages and stuff he can go to everywhere that he likes to lurk. He's a lurker. Yeah. Cut to the doorman, opening the doors to the all Hello It's Eve ball. This ball feels like a completely different movie. Colorful costumes and masks, dancing, people breathing fire for entertainment. Even has a dude on a unicycle. A completely different vibe. A woman starts singing opera too. Crazy stuff. I think it's Alyra? I don't know. I can't tell if she's here or not, but I think it might be a lyra. A masked Dracula starts dancing with a masked Anna. Anna is wearing a striking red dress. Lady in red is dancing with me.

unknown 1:34:42

Cheek to cheek.

SPEAKER_06 1:34:44

Unfortunately, I don't know that song, otherwise I'd join in.

SPEAKER_02 1:34:46

There's nobody here. It's just you and me. This is dodgy.

SPEAKER_01 1:34:53

Roxanne!

SPEAKER_02 1:34:55

Dracula removes his mask, then removes Anna's. Anna seems to be under Dracula's spell. Dracula continues to dance with Anna as they talk.

SPEAKER_12 1:35:03

How does it feel to be a puppet on my string?

SPEAKER_02 1:35:06

I won't let you trade me, Count.

SPEAKER_12 1:35:08

I have no intention of trading you. And if I know Van Helsing, which I do, he's not planning on making a trade either. Neither of us have ever settled for half.

SPEAKER_02 1:35:17

There appears to be circus performance there too. A highwire guy and a person wearing masks all over their head. It's freaky. He looks down and looks up and he's wearing different masks. Van Helsing and Carl look on from a balcony. They are also masked. Carl is still wearing the jester costume, while Van has a nice suit and robe on. Carl points out Anna and Dracula dancing. There they are. You'll make my skin crawl.

SPEAKER_12 1:35:38

That is not all I could do with your skin.

SPEAKER_02 1:35:40

Van looks around the large cathedral-like room.

SPEAKER_13 1:35:43

Carl, I need you to do something. I'm not gonna like this, am I?

SPEAKER_02 1:35:46

Dracula moves towards a large mirror and dips Anna. Anna is the only reflection that can be seen. This gives me Dracula's dead and loving it vibes of Liz Nielsen. Is a scene where he's dancing with the woman but he doesn't see the giant mirror that's been exposed. And so she's just getting flung around. Really crazy.

SPEAKER_12 1:36:03

Don't we make a lovely couple?

SPEAKER_02 1:36:05

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_12 1:36:07

I'm looking for a new bride, Anna. Someone strong and beautiful.

SPEAKER_02 1:36:10

Cut to the high wire guy is swinging through the air. You hear a violent noise, then notice that Van is now on a high wire bar, swinging around.

SPEAKER_12 1:36:18

One brief moment of pain and we could be together forever.

SPEAKER_02 1:36:22

Van leaps from one high wire to another. Cows at ground level, looking on. You have no heartbeats. Okay, so Anna's family has been hunting Dracula for generations. Yet Anna seems to be shocked by the no reflection thing and the fact that Dracula has no heartbeat. What kind of research has she been doing? Literally. Must have been looking at Dr. Acular instead by mistake. You need to study more, Anna.

SPEAKER_12 1:36:42

Perhaps it just needs to be rekindled.

SPEAKER_02 1:36:45

Dracula CGI transforms his face to reveal his vamp teeth. Van comes off his high wire and slices a rope to swing with a circular blade. Carl pushes fire-breathing guy onto Dracula, causing him to burn. While Dracula is distracted with fire-breathing guy, Van swings in and picks up Anna. They swing to a nearby balcony. And when you see Dracula, he grabs the fire-breathing guy and throws him throws him to the roof. Randolph! Get out of here. Anna! Anna! Wake up! Anna shakes her head to regather her senses from being under Dracula's influence. Dracula starts calling out, which echoes through the room.

SPEAKER_12 1:37:21

Gabriel! Oh Gabriel.

SPEAKER_02 1:37:26

Van walks over to the edge of the balcony.

SPEAKER_12 1:37:28

Oh Gabriel, welcome to my summer palace.

SPEAKER_02 1:37:32

Eagle comes in with a monster in chains on a wooden carry plank. We have a master! Ah, so it was Eagle in that grave. Glad we didn't have to deal with zombies in this one as well. The monster is screaming at the wretched undead. I shall have my revenge! Van is distraught that they found the monster.

SPEAKER_12 1:37:50

Now that everything is as it should be, ladies and gentlemen, I give to you Van Alsay.

SPEAKER_02 1:37:57

The partygoers all start transforming into vampires. Van and Anna run into a room that Carl was already in and close the door. Carl pulls out his light bomb. Now I know what it's for. Anna and Van charge towards Carl. Where are we going? Through the window! The three heroes smash through a stunning stained glass window. The colours do really pop when they show up in this film. The vampire partygoers come charging into the room that Van and the team were just in. They left the light bomb behind. Armed. The bomb goes off, which creates a massive surge of bright light through the castle, destroying the vampire partygoers. Similar to the UV bombs in Blade 2. Van, Anna, and Carl crash into the water below Dracula's summer castle. They pop up in the water.

SPEAKER_13 1:38:40

Carl, you're a genius. A genius with an access to unstable chemicals.

SPEAKER_02 1:38:44

Igor and the foot soldiers cast a dinghy off nearby the swimming heroes. The monster is chained and bound on the dinghy. I swear to me. It's coming up. Van starts to swim towards the dinghy. Igor talks to the monster. Say goodbye to your little friends. The dinghy goes through an archway. A gate starts to come down. Van doesn't make it though through the gate in time. Van shouts out from the other side of the gate to the monster.

SPEAKER_06 1:39:11

I'll find you, I'll get you back and set you free. I swear to God! Swear to me.

SPEAKER_02 1:39:18

And to put that Batman in, of course. And then then JB's like, swear to me. Yeah. JB's like, no, stop it! Anna and Carl join Van at the gate.

SPEAKER_13 1:39:27

I must save him. No, you can't. Why? I cabled Rome earlier to appraise them of your situation. What did they say? Even if you somehow kill Dracula, the Rome orders you to destroy Frankenstein as well.

SPEAKER_06 1:39:39

He isn't evil.

SPEAKER_13 1:39:40

Yes, but they say he isn't human either. Do they know him?

SPEAKER_06 1:39:44

Have they talked to him? Who are they to judge?

SPEAKER_13 1:39:49

They want to destroy him so he can never be used to harm humanity.

SPEAKER_06 1:39:52

And what of me? Did you tell them what I've become? Did they tell you how to kill me? Van grabs Carl by the throat and raises him up. The correct angle of the stake as it enters my heart? Van's eyes start to turn yellow. The exact measure of silver in each bullet. Stop!

SPEAKER_09 1:40:13

No! I left you out!

SPEAKER_02 1:40:15

Van releases Carl from his grip, then starts to growl and thrash around. I'm sorry. Carl nods. Poor Carl, he didn't deserve that. It's starting. No way, you sure? Couldn't tell. Carl back to Castle Frankenstein in the daytime. Anna, Van, and Carl run in to find that the castle is abandoned. They must have taken all the equipment to Dracula's lair.

SPEAKER_12 1:40:37

Wherever that is.

SPEAKER_02 1:40:47

Got that wall strength now.

SPEAKER_13 1:40:49

Look, there's still time. Dracula can't bring his children to life until the sun sets.

SPEAKER_02 1:40:53

The sun sets in two hours. We've been looking for her more than four hundred years. Whose fault's that, Anna?

SPEAKER_13 1:40:58

Honestly, go on. Dracula, the greatest hide and seeker ever.

SPEAKER_02 1:41:01

Yes, well, I wasn't around for those four hundred years now, was I? Carl is certainly humble. Cuts of Van, Carl, and Anna back at the old Dracula estate.

SPEAKER_13 1:41:10

Count Dracula is actually the son of Valerius the Elder, the son of your ancestor. Everybody knows that. What else? When you look in a mirror and you're a vampire, Anna.

SPEAKER_09 1:41:22

There's no reflection and he should have known this before we stepped into your lair.

SPEAKER_13 1:41:28

Ah, well, alright. Well, according to this rubbing, it all started when Dracula was murdered. Moided.

SPEAKER_09 1:41:36

Dracula was moided.

SPEAKER_13 1:41:38

Ah, well, alright. Well, according to this rubbing, it all started when Dracula was murdered. Do you know who murdered him? No, there's just some vague reference to the left hand of God. And in 1462, when Dracula died, he made a covenant with the devil.

SPEAKER_02 1:42:00

And was given a new life. But the only way he could sustain that life was by drinking the blood of others.

SPEAKER_13 1:42:06

Excuse me, are you going to let me tell the story?

SPEAKER_02 1:42:09

Elder and Van both say sorry.

SPEAKER_13 1:42:11

And your ancestor, having sired this evil creature, went to Rome to seek forgiveness. And that's when the bargain was made. He was right to kill Dracula in return for eternal salvation of his entire family right down the line all the way to you.

SPEAKER_02 1:42:22

But he couldn't do it. As evil as Dracula was, my ancestor couldn't kill his own son.

SPEAKER_13 1:42:28

So he banished him to an icy fortress, sending him through a door from which there was no return.

SPEAKER_02 1:42:33

And then the devil gave him wings.

SPEAKER_13 1:42:35

Yes.

SPEAKER_06 1:42:36

Alright. So where is the store? I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 1:42:40

Anna and Van both look at Carl in disappointment.

SPEAKER_13 1:42:43

But when your ancestor couldn't kill his son, he left clues.

SPEAKER_02 1:42:45

Carl pulls the fixture lever he found before, which reveals the painting of the two knights in the castle.

SPEAKER_13 1:42:51

So that future generation might do it for him.

SPEAKER_02 1:42:53

That must have been why my father was looking for in here. Clues to the door's location. Van has a thought, a ponder, a realization, a moment of clarity. The door. The door, of course. Van hands some of the scriptures Carl's been talking about back to Carl and starts walking off.

SPEAKER_06 1:43:09

You said your father spent hours staring at this painting, trying to find the layer. Van leads them to the big map painting on the wall.

SPEAKER_07 1:43:18

Literally.

SPEAKER_06 1:43:20

I think you were right. Quite literally. Van points to the map wall. I think this is the door. He just didn't know how to open it.

SPEAKER_02 1:43:30

Maybe it's the Elvish word for friend.

SPEAKER_13 1:43:35

Look, a Latin inscription, maybe it works like the painting in the tower. The two towers, in which Sauron have taken down.

SPEAKER_02 1:43:44

If this was a door, my father would have opened it a long time ago. Anna, this isn't a time for a dick measuring contest. The bottom left corner reveals a piece of a map missing.

SPEAKER_13 1:43:53

You won't my dad. I can't finish the inscription, there's a piece missing.

SPEAKER_02 1:43:58

Van smiles, remembering what the cardinal gave him earlier. Van pulls out a scroll of the missing map piece inside. Your father didn't have this.

SPEAKER_06 1:44:06

Dick measured Anna. Where did you get that? Mapsahoy. It was in the map district of the mall. Carl, finish it. Carl puts the missing piece of the map back on the wall.

SPEAKER_02 1:44:18

Fits like a glove. Like a glove Carl finishes the inscription in Latin. In the name of God, open this door. The map starts to freeze over and you can see the heroes in the wall like a mirror. A mirror? Dracula has no reflection in the mirror. Yes we know, Anna. You know why? Because we did our research. Yeah. But why?

SPEAKER_13 1:44:39

Maybe to Dracula it's not a mirror at all.

SPEAKER_02 1:44:42

Van Helsing sticks his fingers into the mirror. Matrix style. The mirror gives way to Van's touch, seeming to freeze around his fingers, but at the same time, allow him to pass through it. It's cold. And it's snowing. Van grabs a handy nearby torch.

SPEAKER_06 1:44:57

See you on the other side.

SPEAKER_02 1:44:59

Van is about to walk through when Anna puts her arm out to stop him. Be careful. Van steps through to the other wintry side of the mirror. Van looks to see Anna coming through the mirror behind him. Castle Dracula. A big wintry ice palace is in front of them. Van and Anna look behind them. No Carl? Alright. So they move on. Carl eventually comes through the ice mirror. Carl looks around to see skeletons of some of Dracula's victims around him and tries to run back. Carl slams face first into the mirror entrance. There's no way back for poor Carl. Carl runs up to catch up with Van and Anna.

SPEAKER_13 1:45:31

Do we have a plan? It doesn't have to be Wellington's or Waterloo, but some sort of plan would be nice.

SPEAKER_06 1:45:36

We're going to go in there and stop Dracula. And kill anything that gets in our way.

SPEAKER_13 1:45:40

Well, you let me know how that goes.

SPEAKER_02 1:45:43

Carl starts to head back. Van Helsing grabs onto Carl's robe, then he grabs Anna on the back of the shirt. Van then Wolverine, I mean werewolf, jumps up the side of the castle doors and threw an opening just above them. They land on the other side of the doors. Watching this before, Matt, you're saying, how do you not break their ankles at least? 100%. After they land, Van starts wincing in pain. The transformation is trying to come out of his body.

SPEAKER_13 1:46:06

Both all have broken ankles now. Shattered my tibia and shunted my hip into my pelvis. Thank you, Halcing. Wonderful, Gabriel. That doesn't seem like a good thing.

SPEAKER_02 1:46:17

Van then returns to normal.

SPEAKER_06 1:46:19

Inside the palace is a long hallway of pillars and torches. Oh, and thousands of vamp baby eggs hanging high in the rafters.

SPEAKER_13 1:46:28

So are all those moist hanging sacks?

SPEAKER_02 1:46:33

Yes.

SPEAKER_13 1:46:34

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 1:46:35

And inside them are Eagle then just rocks up in front of Van, Anna, and Carl. But there's cables like it. Oh god, you guys have gone here? What are you guys doing here? How did you find it's impossible? Eagle starts to run away. Van Helsing pulls out one of his circular blades and throws it at Egor. Eagle is stuck to the wall by the circular blade. Van goes up to the pinned Eagle. Please don't kill me. Just another Benny.

SPEAKER_10 1:47:00

Benny. No, and I told you I'd kill you last. I lied.

SPEAKER_06 1:47:07

Why not?

SPEAKER_02 1:47:08

Well, I love that. He's like, give me a reason why I shouldn't kill you. So uh well, the monster scream. Which can't be heard through the castle. The team look through a nearby gate and see the monster encased in a block of ice with only his head poking out. Kind of looks like Violet in the Willy Wonker in the Chocolate Factory movie when she's getting rolled around. There is a loud scream. My master has awakened. The monster in ice starts getting lifted up by a chain. Van uses his wolfy skills to bend the bars on the gate. The screaming as Van does it is classic Wolverine. Van can't bend the bars enough though. He cannot save the monster from being lifted up the castle. The monster has some information to give them, however, on the way up.

SPEAKER_03 1:47:57

There is a cure. What? For the mutant problem. I mean Dracula! He has a cure to remove the curse of the werewolf. Go, find the cure, save yourself. The monster is lifted away.

SPEAKER_06 1:48:10

Come on, you heard him. Let's find it. Wait, why does Dracula have a cure? I don't care. I do. Van man handles Eagor. Pow! Sorry, it just said Batman interrogation style.

SPEAKER_13 1:48:22

Why does he need one? Why? Because the only thing that can kill him is a werewolf. The painting, that's what it meant.

SPEAKER_02 1:48:30

But Dracula's been using werewolves to do his bidding for centuries.

SPEAKER_13 1:48:34

Yes, yes, but if one had ever the will to turn on him, he'd need to cure Yes, but if one had ever had the will to turn on him, he'd need a cure to remove the curse and make him human before it bit him.

SPEAKER_06 1:48:47

Why didn't the brother do that?

SPEAKER_13 1:48:48

Literally.

SPEAKER_02 1:48:49

He didn't have the willpower wasn't strong enough. Oh to fight it, yeah. He knew he couldn't fight it this way, gave up. Van grabs a circular blade from Eagle's clothes, which frees him.

SPEAKER_06 1:48:57

You're gonna take these two and lead them to the antidote.

SPEAKER_02 1:49:01

No, I'm not! Van man handles Eagle a little and gets wolfy growly at him. Yes I am! Love the turnaround, eh?

SPEAKER_13 1:49:09

Have the plan. When the bell begins to toll midnight, you'll be able to kill Dracula. We just need to find the cure and get it into you before the final stroke.

SPEAKER_02 1:49:16

Are you insane? What kind of plan is that? Van tells Anna and Carl to clip off all of Eagor's fingers if he thinks about deceiving them. Van hands Anna a finger clipping device. Van has so many different weapons. I'll clip off something. Anna means his gonads.

SPEAKER_13 1:49:32

I bet it's not a finger clipping device. I bet it was Mr. Hyde's cigar cutter.

SPEAKER_02 1:49:36

Oh, a cigar cutter.

SPEAKER_13 1:49:37

Yeah, it was probably a cigar cutter. Mr. Hyde, because he was large. He probably made one. Thought it might have been a medieval circumcisor. Yeah, it could be too.

SPEAKER_06 1:49:45

Foot begone! Infection be gone!

SPEAKER_02 1:49:48

Hmm.

SPEAKER_06 1:49:48

The tower over there. That's where it is. And what about the other tower?

SPEAKER_02 1:49:54

Van asks Anna for the finger clipper back.

SPEAKER_06 1:49:56

That is where we reassembled the laboratory. Would I like To you? Would I lie to you? Not if you want to live. Van throws Igor down. Now, if I'm not cured by the twelfth stroke of midnight.

SPEAKER_02 1:50:10

Van pulls out a retractable silver spike.

SPEAKER_06 1:50:12

I don't think I could. You must.

SPEAKER_02 1:50:15

Carl nods and takes the silver spike from Van. I don't like this plan. We don't have a choice. Just don't get killed. Ooh, yeah, about that. Uh no, we can't we can talk about that later. You still don't understand. You always fear, but you don't understand. It doesn't matter what happens to me. We must save my family. Anna tries to run, but Van grabs her.

SPEAKER_06 1:50:38

If you're late, run like hell.

SPEAKER_02 1:50:40

Anna tries to run again, but again, Van grabs her. You can feel the passion in the air.

SPEAKER_06 1:50:45

Don't be late.

SPEAKER_02 1:50:46

Anna and Van Helsing smooch. Wonder if he's using werewolf tongue. Now go. Go! Van whispering. Now go! Go! Get out of here. Van watches Anna. Carl and Igor run off to get the cure. Van starts to head in the opposite direction. Can't do Dracula walking through some doors. Lightning strikes. I thought they were in a snow realm. Can't have lightning storms and snowstorms at the same time, can we? It's kind of weird.

SPEAKER_06 1:51:14

No, they can. You just don't want them to.

SPEAKER_02 1:51:16

Starting to feel this vampire werewolf monster movie is getting a little unrealistic. Dracula walks around as the foot soldiers work to get the machine up and running. The monster is on a table in the middle of the room. He's all thawed out. The monster yells at Dracula.

SPEAKER_06 1:51:31

Is that thorough little body? Oh sorry, is that too tired?

SPEAKER_12 1:51:35

What are you complaining about? This is why you were made. To prove that God is not the only one who can create life. And now you must give that life to my children.

SPEAKER_02 1:51:45

The monster is raised up through the roof of the castle and out into the rain. Okay, it is raining after all. I'll give him that, alright? Cut to Van running up the stairs like they're nothing. Van finds a chain that is hanging down a deep shaft. Van leaps onto it so he can climb to the top of the castle. Like it's nothing. He just uses his arms, not even legs. If you thought his stair running was impressive, then check out his chain climbing here. Insane. The commando chain line.

SPEAKER_13 1:52:11

If that was him chasing you up a rope, I'd just jump.

SPEAKER_02 1:52:13

It's like Ninja Warrior stuff. Cut to Anna, Eagle, and Carl making their way through the tower. Anna gives Eagle a reminder of what could happen by showing him how the finger cutter works again.

SPEAKER_11 1:52:23

It would cut off your whole wrist, bro.

SPEAKER_02 1:52:25

They come to a room. There it is. There is a clear bubble with a syringe inside it. The syringe is filled with a red liquid. The red really pops in 4K. Eagle goes to walk towards it. Anna stops him. I'll go first. Anna walks towards the syringe bubble while Eagle stands behind Carl as I look on. Egor kicks Carl in the back, then locks Carl and Anna in the syringe room by pulling a gate lever. Stay as long as you like.

SPEAKER_06 1:52:50

You try to get Egor, but Eagle get you.

SPEAKER_02 1:52:53

I definitely ran away. You tried to get Egor. Eagle get you. Eagle runs away laughing. Count to Van climbing to the top of the chain. Van is in the machine room and looks to see the foot soldier's hard at work. Van looks up to see the monster and the elements strapped down to a table. See this time is a table. You happy, Jeff? Last time I was a chair, but you see, isn't there a table? You were right, but I'm being angry for no apparent reason. Take that, Jeff. Take that for being right. How dare you? Van starts to wolf climb up the room. A foot soldier sees him, so Van goes over and smashes its face into a wall. This is where you see the foot soldiers have little piranha-like teeth. Van launches the piranha foot soldier out the window into the depths below. Come back to Anna and Carl in the syringe room. They're staring at the bubble. Go ahead. Grab it.

SPEAKER_13 1:53:39

You go ahead and grab it. If there's one thing I've learned that's never to be the first one to stick your hand in vicious material.

SPEAKER_02 1:53:45

Alyra comes pooping. Vampire screaming. Alyra comes popping in from behind. Vampire screaming.

SPEAKER_09 1:53:56

Did I scare you? No.

SPEAKER_02 1:53:58

Fun fact that I should have mentioned earlier, the actress who plays Alyra in Van Helsing is the actress who plays Dr. Poison in the first Wonder Woman film.

SPEAKER_09 1:54:06

And then maybe I need to try a little harder.

SPEAKER_02 1:54:08

Anna pushes the syringe bubble over, which turns out to be glass. The substance inside splashes into Alyra's face. The syringe is now rolling around the floor. Get it! Get it! Anna grabs a broken part of the glass bowl and throws the acid-like substance onto the gate. Smart thinking. Carl grabs a syringe, but has to juggle at Judah being covered in their acid-like substance. Come on! Come on! We've got to get the antidote to Van Helsing. Go! The acid has caused the room to get all misty and smoky. Alira grabs Anna before she can escape through the gate. Alyra's face is all messed up. The CGI here? Well, let's just move on. Maybe this is Dr. Poison's face mask origin? We'll find out.

SPEAKER_09 1:54:48

You can't go until I say you can go.

SPEAKER_02 1:54:50

Keep running, Carl! Carl keeps running. Anna stays with Lyra.

SPEAKER_09 1:54:54

And I'll say you can go when you're dead.

SPEAKER_02 1:54:56

Oh wait, Alyra's face regenerates. Sorry, guys, not a Dr. Poison origin. Alyra throws Anna back into the steamy room. Anna does a flip off the wall and grabs a fire torch. Because of course she does. Alyra just blows the torch out like a birthday candle. After being hopeless for half the movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then she goes around the room spinning like Jim Carrey in the mask. Yeah. Extinguishing the other fire torches. It's now dark. Alyra vanishes into the shadows. Somebody stop me.

SPEAKER_13 1:55:27

Off she goes.

SPEAKER_02 1:55:29

Cut to Carl running across a bridge in the pouring rain with the cure. Lightning crashes in front of Carl. Oh my god! Carl was knocked to the ground by the nearby lightning bolts. Igor appears from behind Carl, running with his shocking stick, so he went out and got his shocking stick back. Igor starts poking and prodding at Carl. Cut to Van Helsing climbing to the top of the castle where the monster is. Van starts to stand the monster's wooden platform up by cranking a handle.

SPEAKER_06 1:55:54

Yeah. Yes, a handle.

SPEAKER_03 1:55:55

What are you doing? You must find the cure.

SPEAKER_06 1:55:58

My friends are doing it for me.

SPEAKER_03 1:56:00

Friends?

SPEAKER_06 1:56:01

Yes, you want one? I can't unscrew the bolts. This is going to hurt. I'm accustomed to pain. It lets you know you're alive.

SPEAKER_02 1:56:11

Van rips the straps off.

SPEAKER_06 1:56:12

Like a band-aid.

SPEAKER_02 1:56:13

Yeah, which are partly attached to the monster's body. Ouch. A lightning bolt hits as Van tries to free the monster, causing Van to be shocked and thrown away, and the monster to get a full-on bolt of lightning to the body. The shock sends a power wave down the machine.

SPEAKER_04 1:56:28

Give me life!

SPEAKER_02 1:56:31

The power wave transforms into green energy which fills the vamp baby egg chambers. The eggs start to murmur.

SPEAKER_12 1:56:38

One more bolt and my young will live.

SPEAKER_02 1:56:40

Dracula spots Van Helsing trying to unstrap the monster from the machine. Dracula transforms into Man Bat and flies out a nearby window. Cuts Van Helsing at the top with the monster.

SPEAKER_06 1:56:51

You're almost out, my friend.

SPEAKER_02 1:56:53

Dracula Manbat comes flying in and knocks Van Helsing off the roof and down below. Some of the foot soldiers are falling into acid and catching fire. Yes, very sad. Anyway. Ha! Thank you, Lucky. The monster is almost clear of the machine. Except one of his ankles is still chained to the machine. Another bolt of lightning, very, very frightening, surges through the monster's body.

SPEAKER_01 1:57:14

Galileo! Galileo! Galileo!

SPEAKER_02 1:57:18

But you're not supposed to die! This sends another wave down and gives life to the vamp babies. The eggs start to hatch. Thousands of vamp babies start to leave the castle. The bolt energy eventually frees the monster from the machine as the ankle chain breaks and throws the monster away. The monster is left trying to cling to the side of the castle roof. The monster slips. The trekking falling shot is cool. The monster manages to grab a cable on the way down. Slips, falls some more before grabbing another cable. The monster spots Igor chasing Carl with his shocking stick while hanging high above. The cable the monster is hanging onto gives way, which causes the monster to swing down low under the walkway Carl's on. The cable causes a clothesline across the walkway. Carl ducks. Eagle doesn't, and gets hit by the cable and knocked down to his watery grave. Would have split him in half. Ghost ship style. That would have been great. I don't know why. It always amuses me that on the way down, Eagle keeps activating the shocking stick as he keeps charging it like. Cut to Anna still in the darkened room with Alyra. Lightning reveals a hanging Alera behind Anna. Alyra goes into Mortal Kombat style, X-ray vision mode, and can see all of Anna's blood vessels pumping through her skeletal body. Alera glides around, taunting Anna. Alera then hits Anna with a nasty backhand. Completely smacks her. Nasty. Cut back to the monster hanging from the cable. Carl appears on the bridge edge just above the hanging monster.

SPEAKER_03 1:58:45

Help me!

SPEAKER_13 1:58:46

But you're supposed to die.

SPEAKER_02 1:58:48

I want to live! Carl makes a decision, not as a man of faith, but a man of conscience.

SPEAKER_13 1:58:54

Alright.

SPEAKER_02 1:58:55

Carl back to Anna on the ground, bleeding from the mouth and head. Alira picks up Anna by the throat and transforms into the white bride creature.

SPEAKER_08 1:59:03

Be happy in the knowledge that I shall weep over your dead body.

SPEAKER_02 1:59:07

Alera does the Gene Simmons tongue thing and licks Anna's face. Cut back to Carl, helping the monster.

SPEAKER_03 1:59:16

Hang on!

SPEAKER_02 1:59:16

I'll swing you loose! Carl pushes a heavy torch lamp off the side of the bridge. This frees the cable so the monster can swing away. The mummy-like music kicks back in. Cut back to Alyra about to bite Anna when the monster comes crashing through the window, knocking over Alyra in the process. Cut back to Van Helsing, recovering from falling about ten stories. A bunch of foot soldiers are running around on fire, as well as being killed in other horrendous ways. Dracula Man Bat comes flying in from behind a stumbling van. Dracula lands and goes back to human form.

SPEAKER_12 1:59:47

You are too late, my friend. My children live!

SPEAKER_06 1:59:52

Then the only way to kill them is to kill you.

SPEAKER_12 1:59:56

Correct.

SPEAKER_02 1:59:57

Van smiles gleefully. So be it. Van removes his coat and turns to see a giant clock hit midnight. The bell tolls. One. Van drops to his knees and starts screaming. Must have forgotten to tape the big game. Van rips his shirt off in preparation to transform.

SPEAKER_12 2:00:13

No, this cannot be. My TV DVD is at full.

SPEAKER_10 2:00:19

I need to delete something.

SPEAKER_02 2:00:22

Van's transformation is quite different to Valkan's. While Velkan had to tear the fish away, Van just seemed to drop off to reveal Van Wolfsing. I guess this was because Valkan was fighting the change while Van Wolfsing allowed it to happen. Dracula laughs at an attempt to bluff Van Wolfsing into thinking he was in control, I guess.

SPEAKER_12 2:00:40

We are both part of the same grand game, Gabriel. But we need not find ourselves on opposite sides of the board.

SPEAKER_02 2:00:47

Van Wolsen is not buying it and growls at Dracula. Dracula transform Meow Meow Dracula transforms into Mambat. Van Wolsen and Mambat fight. Wolfsing slamming Manbat's back, while Mambat gets some swipes in on Van Wolsen. Dracula Mambat starts to get the upper hand for some throws and kicks to the back. Mambat then starts to fly away. Van Wolfsing though, werewolves up the castle walls, chasing Mambat. Anna does nothing for this whole next scene. It's getting beaten up. Wolfsing grabs Mambat as they both crash into the machinery. Come back to Anna. Getting to her feet. The monster is gathering himself too. Alera comes flying in at Anna, only for the monster to grab her feet, stopping her. You think she's about to grab it and she grabbed by the feet. Good one, monster. Anna gives her a cheeky backhand for good measure. Go and help Van Helsing! The monster hammer throw swings Alyra into a wall. Pretty hilarious. Well Anna just stands there like a goof. No! Thank you. The monster is overcome with emotion for a moment before turning to face the downed Elira. Anna runs away out a nearby window. Anna removes her belt by a nearby cable. Counter Carl still running over the bridge. The bridge is struck by lightning in front of Carl, which destroys part of the bridge. Carl has nowhere to go, but spots Anna in the window, and somehow in the pouring rain, lightning striking and about 500 meters away, he perfectly yells to her.

SPEAKER_01 2:02:11

Oh my god, Anna! I need a little help!

SPEAKER_02 2:02:14

Anna prepares herself where Olyra and the monster fight behind her. I need a little help. Alright. Let's go. Now you're diddly daddling. Anna swings down. Does a weave flip, then grabs onto another cable to continue her swing. In the pouring rain, of course, like full grip.

SPEAKER_13 2:02:31

Easy, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:02:32

Throw it to me a carl. Oh, so that's weird. Throw it to me, Carl! Throw it a mirror. Throw it to me, Carl. Carl throws the perfect throw to Anna, who catches the cure syringe. It just almost goes into her armpit, though. She's like, yeah, holding it like that, and I'm like, oh, that'd be nasty. Yes! Alera comes flying in on the swinging Anna. Anna is smacked over to a near wall. She hits the wall several times before desperately trying to grab onto the side ledge. Carl finds a narrow edge to make his way across the broken bridge. Cut back to Dracula once again in human form.

SPEAKER_12 2:03:03

You are being used, Gabriel. As was I.

SPEAKER_02 2:03:06

Van Wolfsing stumbles out from some crushed machine parts.

SPEAKER_12 2:03:10

But I escaped. So can you.

SPEAKER_02 2:03:12

Van Wolfsing goes after Dracula, who runs and transforms back into Mambat. Manbat tries to fly away again, but Van Wolfsing jumps and grabs him. They fly fight for a bit, eventually hitting the ground. Mambat flies up to a nearby ledge and transforms back into human form, struggling to catch his breath. Van Wolfsing whips out his wolfy claws from his hands and scratches down a nearby wall, like, hey, what do you think of these?

SPEAKER_13 2:03:36

These are iron ore.

SPEAKER_02 2:03:38

Anna Mantium, possibly. Come back to Anna on the wool ledge. Alera comes flowing in, lands back into human form next to Anna.

SPEAKER_08 2:03:45

Anna, my love, it is your blood that should keep me beautiful. What do you think of that?

SPEAKER_02 2:03:50

A stake gets thrown nearby as Elyra laughs. Anna stabs Alira through the heart. I think if you're going to kill someone, kill them. Don't stand there and talking about it. Monologuing! You sly dog, you got her monologuing. And this line where she says, if you're gonna kill someone, do it, don't just stand here talking about it. Very similar to a line from Die Hard as well. Hey, mister, next time you have a chance to kill someone, don't hesitate. And then Bruce Wool's like, bang, bang, bang. Alyra screams for a bit before exploding. The stake comes flying right beside Carl's head and hits a wall. As he explodes, her face comes towards the camera. Yeah. Oh, nice.

SPEAKER_06 2:04:25

That would have been awesome in 3D.

SPEAKER_02 2:04:27

Yeah, that would have been cool. Carl and Anna head nod. Job well done. Come back to Van Wolsen jumping up to the same level as Dracula.

SPEAKER_12 2:04:34

Don't you understand? We could be friends. Partners.

SPEAKER_02 2:04:40

Brothers in arms! Mambat tries to fly away, but Van Wolfsing grabs him. Van Wolfsing has Dracula by the throat, ready to give the killer blow, when suddenly Van transforms back into human form. Van, looking like Tarzan now, or George of the Jungle, leaps away down to the lower levels. Dracula transforms back into human form above. Dracula feels the claw wounds on his face and tastes his own blood. Probably tastes like Count Chocula. Dracula sees the clouds covering the moon outside and smiles.

SPEAKER_12 2:05:10

Did I mention that I was made of raspberry Kool-Aid? Did I mention that it was you who murdered me?

SPEAKER_02 2:05:20

What a twist!

SPEAKER_12 2:05:20

It must be such a bird and such a curse to be the left hand of God.

SPEAKER_02 2:05:24

Better than being the right hand. He's a wanker. Oh no. Dracula teleports down behind Van.

SPEAKER_12 2:05:32

All I want is life, Gabriel. The continuation of my kind and perhaps the return of my ring.

SPEAKER_02 2:05:38

Dracula shows his right hand. He's missing a chunk of his ring finger. Van's ring is actually Dracula's ring.

SPEAKER_13 2:05:45

He probably just bit off his finger, didn't he?

SPEAKER_02 2:05:47

Yeah, he did. He did it like Gollum style and all the rings. Dracula moves towards Tarzan Housing, who slowly backs away.

SPEAKER_12 2:05:53

Don't be afraid, Tarzan. We will take you back to the mainland. You just need to show us where the gorillas are. Don't be afraid, Gabriel. Don't be afraid. I shall give you back your life, your memory.

SPEAKER_02 2:06:08

Something's a better left forgotten. That should be the tagline for the Morbius movie. Van growls and bends down to reveal a window where the cloud cover is moving, revealing the moon. Van quickly transforms back into Van Wolfsing, while Dracula transforms into Mambat. Wolfsing spare tackles Mambat and rips into Mambat's throat with his fangs. Dracula cries out in pain as his centuries-old body starts to decay in front of our very eyes. The vamp babies that are still making their way out of the castle start to explode one by one like bugs on a windshield.

SPEAKER_11 2:06:39

Yeah, it is almost pop pop pop pop pop pop.

SPEAKER_02 2:06:41

Anna enters the room and sees Van Wolfsing. Anna charges at Van Wolfsing with a cure syringe in hand. As Anna is almost there, Wolfsing sees her running and Nunzio spares her into oblivion. Yep. Carl runs to see Van Wolfsing over Anna's body. Carl released the big silver spike, ready to stab Van Wolfsing.

SPEAKER_08 2:07:00

Oh God forgive me.

SPEAKER_02 2:07:01

Carl charges at Van Wolsen, holding the spike like a javelin. Van Wolfsing catches Carl's stabbing arm. Van Wolsen stops growling and looks down to find the now empty syringe sticking of his gut. Van Wolfsing pulls the syringe out and drops it. Van Wolfsing then turns around to find the motionless Anna on the couch. Anna is dead. Cause of death? Nunziospear.

SPEAKER_13 2:07:25

So much force, the power from the head and the feet just went whipped.

SPEAKER_06 2:07:29

Yeah, just destroyed her, apparently. Basically like Gwen Stacy in Spider-Man 2.

SPEAKER_02 2:07:33

Yeah, back and neck probably just got snapped. Yeah. Carl's distraught seeing Anna's loafless body.

SPEAKER_06 2:07:39

She's dead.

SPEAKER_02 2:07:40

Van Wolfsing picks up Anna's body in front of a window with the full moon outside. Van Wolfson howls in despair. As he's howling, Wolfsing returns to being Van Helsing as he reverts back to his human form.

SPEAKER_13 2:07:52

Almost Wolverine's scream as he turns back in.

SPEAKER_02 2:07:54

He goes, Van Helsing is cured, but at a terrible cost. The end of Anna's family's bloodline. Cut to daytime and a horrible shot of some slow-mo long grass on a hill. Very blurry. Van Helsing is walking with a torchstick. Van walks to Anna's body lying on a pile of wooden straw. She's getting a Jedi funeral.

SPEAKER_13 2:08:14

It's just pad, mate. They just stole the scene.

SPEAKER_02 2:08:17

Carl reads a passage from the Bible in Latin while Van readies to set Anna's body alight. Cut to the monster, paddling away on a makeshift raft. He looks back to see Van and Carl up in the cliffs and sees Anna's funeral fire. The monster turns and keeps paddling. That's a paddling. Even through the darkest days, this fire burns. Always. Van watches Anna's body burn, then starts to feel something or someone's presence around him. Van looks up into the sky and has a Lion King moment. A heavenly light bursts through the clouds, Anna's face appears. Remember who you are, Van. Remember. Anna is joined by her brother Valkan and other family members. Anna's family can now enter the heaven with Dracula being vanquished. The light sets back into the clouds. Carl puts his hand on Van's shoulder. Van smiles and puts his hat on. Cut to Van Helsing and Carl riding off across the fields with the Helsing theme kicking in. Time to write again for the sequel. Yeah, about that. End of movie. Right, now that we've gone through the movie Van Helsing, let's go to our ratings. Nobody does it, Ben It Work! Since I started a podcast with only two hosts, only two rating scores will count. It helps keep the balance in the ratings. Therefore, since there are three of us here today, my score will not count on the official charts. I'll still give you my scores, but only Matt and Jeff's ratings will count. I'm the monster of this group. Not wanted for this task. Let's start off with the story. Jeff, what have you given the story out of five stars?

SPEAKER_06 2:09:51

So I gave it five. Five? Because before this, there wasn't any other movie done like this with Van Helsing and with him being an angel and hunting other monsters and stuff. So for me it felt totally unique at the time and it still feels unique now. So yeah, five stars.

SPEAKER_02 2:10:08

And Matt, what have you given Van Helsing's story?

SPEAKER_13 2:10:11

I gave it four stars. Four stars? Incredible. You don't see anything like that anymore. Everything's just recycled, rewashed, crap, if I'm honest with you. I don't want to watch another series about Fallout. I don't want to watch this series. Just give me a good movie. One good movie that will last 20 years.

SPEAKER_02 2:10:26

Fair enough. Well, this is a time when Stephen Summers is like, thank God they're rating me and not Greg. I've given it a three out of five. I think the story is fine and it progresses what needs to happen, but it's also quite clustered, especially when the monster comes into everything. Like at first you arrive and it's nice and simple where he's going, it's Dracula, but then monster gets involved and then he's got a machine. So it gets a bit clustered in the middle of it. It's solid enough that it still progresses the story, but it's not a perfect story for me.

SPEAKER_13 2:10:51

Yeah, that's why I wouldn't give it a five because it was just like, why is this happening again? You could just delete 40 minutes of the movie and just make a great ending.

SPEAKER_02 2:10:58

Yeah, it gets a little bit messy, I think, in the middle. Acting, Matt, what have you given acting out of five stars?

SPEAKER_13 2:11:03

They have acting of four. None of them are bad actors. There's not one person that I'm kind of sitting there going, This is cringe. I'm not sitting there going, You don't even look like you're acting. They pick their parts quite well as well, apart from the Frankenstein monster, which is why I won't give it five. He's not Phantom of the Opera. Okay. He's a bit overtop in there. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 2:11:22

And Jeff, what if you give an acting out of five? So this is my harshest rating. I gave it three and a half because there was quite a few scenes there, and I suspect they were told to do it, but where it felt like they were really, really overacting their part, Dracula and the brides. I mean, apart from like Van Helsing and the rest were pretty good, but there's just bits and pieces with like the brides in that where it felt really too much over the top. So I gave it just a three and a half for that one.

SPEAKER_02 2:11:49

Fair enough. And again, Stephen Summers would be like, Thank God, Greg's not rating me. I've given acting a two out of five. The acting's terrible from a lot of the bad guys, but in a wonderful way. Dracula is overacting on purpose almost. I love it. It's almost like a theater. It's not great acting, but it's I still really enjoy it. The bride's been way over the top. It's stupid and goofy, but I love it. Yeah, 100%. One I don't really a bad fan of is The Monster, because even though the other ones are goofy, it kind of goes with the style. I find his ones kind of weird. Van Halstein, like Hugh Jack Ackman, he kind of phoned this in. It wasn't his best acting performance, but it didn't need to be as well. He was just the straight guy, just the action guy. Well, everyone else around it was the chaos. Okay, Beckinsale and her Transylvanian accent was not great as well. But you know what? It was fun. And that's the thing, the acting wasn't needing to be superb in this because it just went with it and was fun. So I give it a two, but I give it a really like two because it's a two that kind of helped the story kind of have fun with it. If it had been too serious and moody and dark, then this movie would not worked. It needed to be mummy style, and that acting kind of helped that mummy style of type.

SPEAKER_13 2:12:55

So yeah, I loved how over-dramatic the acting was. Yeah, that was the best thing about it. Whereas it's not an actor trying too hard that it's just like, oh my god, I can't watch this.

SPEAKER_02 2:13:03

Right, so for how well it holds up. I have given it a three out of five. There is some CGI that is questionable, so that's why I couldn't go any higher. But I actually like how well this actually holds up. Twenty years ago, this doesn't look 20 years ago. It looked shot well. So I think it holds up pretty well. Like the goofiness and the fun part of it holds up really well. Making it like 19th century, so it's not a time period thing like in the 60s or 70s or 80s, works perfectly. So I think it holds up well enough. It just isn't perfect. So three out of five. For how well it holds up, Jeff, what did you give it up?

SPEAKER_06 2:13:36

So I gave it a three and a half because yeah, apart from like the bits and pieces with some of the CGI, like you've also got the the werewolf transformation, which was really good, and I don't think it's been done again that well. But also like some of the scenery was just really amazing. It's quite nice when you watch it again for the second time where you can actually really enjoy what they're showing us visually because you don't have to concentrate so hard on the story. So yeah, I gave it a three and a half.

SPEAKER_02 2:14:04

And Matt, what have you given how well it holds up?

SPEAKER_13 2:14:06

I went down to a three after you're talking about the CGI. I was like, oh, that's right. There's so much going on in the movie that you do actually kind of forget about some things that do happen in different times. But yeah, no, it's it's a solid three though.

SPEAKER_02 2:14:17

For music, Matt, what have you given that?

SPEAKER_13 2:14:19

I gave that a solid five. Five? You can't beat proper theatrical. It's almost like an 80s, 90s kind of cyberpunky without any of the techno behind it. It's a nice rush of music, it's got a good flow to it. It all worked for each scene. It was all quite good for each scene, it was all put well together. Solid five. I'm a big music head as well, so.

SPEAKER_02 2:14:39

And Jeff, what have you given music out of five stars?

SPEAKER_06 2:14:42

So I gave it four because while it's not memorable in ways that, you know, you can go back and go, oh, this scene has this music or whatever. It is really good and it fits so well with the movie. It's still enjoyable, but it's not to the point where you know you walk away going, Oh, it was a song done by seal or something like that. You know, it's it's good, but it's not memorable enough for me personally to put it at a five.

SPEAKER_02 2:15:06

I have given it a three out of five. I think the music it does has, like the theme is really good. And also the mummy style music I had fun with, but they keep using the same music again and again and again and again. Like they don't really have a long kind of score. So I think what they use is good, but they don't really use it for each moment of the movie. Like for me, really good scores will kind of like dictate the emotion of the film. They just kind of insert it so you can kind of tell when it's action, when it's not action. But it's fine, it's what it needs to be. That's why I gave it a three, and it's not bad, it's just not top of the tier for me as well. For visuals, iconic or amazing shots or moments. Now, this is the highest score that I've given Van Helsing. I've given a four out of five. Even though the CGI and stuff isn't um perfect, that's in how well it holds up anyway. Some of these shots in this is really, really cool. The shot with monster falling off the side of the building and swinging down, the Transylvanian horses jumping over the bridge, seeing the transformation scene where he goes up the wall, it's really, really cool. The starting, the first opening where it's all black and white, like his 1930s kind of feel. I really like that style as well. And the atmosphere. This movie has such an atmosphere to it. Like I say, it reminds me of Sleepy Hollow, which I love. It's just fog, it's wet, it's muddy, it's depressing. But then there's also moments things just pop, and some of the shots just look really, really good. There's some choices made where like he has the wolf at the end where he transforms from werewolf back into human. It looks really cool as well. I'll give us a four out of five because I think this is actually he's got some cool, really cool shots hidden in there that you wouldn't expect from a pop called summer flick like this, which I think Steven Summers is better than what people make out to be because he's just seen as a good action adventure guy, but I think he actually has some really interesting styles as well.

SPEAKER_13 2:16:49

Oh, he's got some awesome potential after this movie.

SPEAKER_02 2:16:51

Yeah, it's really hard to do these because since he stopped doing them, no one's kept that tone. The Mummy 4 is coming out soon. It's not going to be Steven Summers, but I hope he's a producer on it because he's the one that set that tone.

SPEAKER_13 2:17:01

Yeah, the closest one I can compare to Van Helsing that's newer would be Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter.

SPEAKER_06 2:17:08

Yes! I've seen that movie, he hasn't. I love that movie.

SPEAKER_13 2:17:11

The whole dystopian, you know what time it is. You know where they are in America, you know what time frame it is, but it's just this whole dystopian version of, and everything just looks so dreary, but they're in the middle of Washington. It's yeah, great movie.

SPEAKER_02 2:17:24

Jeff, what have you given visuals, iconic or amazing shots?

SPEAKER_06 2:17:27

So I gave it a four and a half. I really enjoyed the visuals. Seeing the the Eiffel Tower, and it was only half of the Eiffel Tower because they'd only just started building it. I liked the way things transitioned. A lot of the scenery just felt really good. The CGI didn't affect it as much as I thought it might. Like going back to it again, I thought uh because there are a few, obviously, scenes with the CGI isn't great, but it doesn't affect the overall scenery, which is quite nice. So yeah, I gave it a four and a half.

SPEAKER_02 2:17:57

And Matt, last but not least, what have you given her?

SPEAKER_13 2:17:59

I gave her a three. Three? I feel like that's fair, just based on everything that happened in the movie. I love the start of it. I would have liked a bit more sepia, just that kind of discoloured of everything, because that would have been kind of I would have watched the whole movie in sepia, because it doesn't need colour. And then if you went back and you wanted to change the colour, you could watch it, you'd be like, oh, it's chest screen, or oh, there's that, or oh those the horses uh have red bridles on them, or just different things. But yeah, the fire in the black and white at the start, as you said before, was it's that white coloration with the blacking behind it, and you know exactly what it is. Just weird, especially at the very start. I hate the monster, but at the start when he's kind of like pleo standing on the top of the rickety old windmill looking tower thing, like it's it's pretty nice.

SPEAKER_02 2:18:37

No, fair enough. Right. So what I'll do is I'll just go through what I've given so far. So for story I gave three, for acting, I gave two, for how well it holds up, I gave three, for music I gave three, and for visuals I gave four, which gives me a total of 15 stars out of 25 possible stars.

SPEAKER_06 2:18:52

Jeff, what have you got? So for story I gave it five, for acting, three and a half, for how well it holds up, three and a half, for music, four, for visuals, four and a half, for a total of twenty and a half stars out of twenty-five.

SPEAKER_02 2:19:05

And man.

SPEAKER_13 2:19:06

For story I gave it a four, acting, I gave it a four. How well it holds up is a three, music is a five, and visuals was a three, giving me a total of nineteen.

SPEAKER_02 2:19:14

So with twenty and a half stars out of twenty-five from Jeff and nineteen stars out of a possible twenty-five from Matt, my ones don't count, remember? So this adds for a total of thirty-nine and a half stars out of fifty. That's pretty good. That's actually not bad, yeah. High 30s. So third nine and a half stars, it puts it in sixteenth equal.

SPEAKER_06 2:19:36

Nice.

SPEAKER_02 2:19:37

With the mask from 1994.

SPEAKER_06 2:19:39

Yeah. And Stargate.

SPEAKER_02 2:19:41

Stargate from 1994 as well. And this came out 10 years later, 2004. Both 94s at 39.5. That's actually quite and now 2004, Van Helsing. Third nine and a half stars makes it 16th equal of The Mask and Stargate, both from 1994. Just above legally blonde and the Punisher. Above Legally Blonde and The Punisher from 2004. Yeah. It's a good place for it to be. It's not one that's gonna win awards. It's not one that's gonna be anyone's favourite movie of all time that I feel. It might be someone's, but I like it how it continues that mummy style adventure. It's an unappreciated gem.

SPEAKER_13 2:20:15

And now, Matt, any final thoughts about Van Housing? Not really. I miss Hugh Jackman in movies. It was good seeing him in the new Deadpool movie, but that was also kind of just a let's bring Hugh Jackman back because he's Wolverine and let's throw him in his comical outfit. And it was just kind of like, oh, okay. You could have done that in a Wolverine way.

SPEAKER_02 2:20:31

They missed the prime of Hugh Jackman and being action films. Like he's such a good actor that he can go off and do dramatic stuff, which he did. I think he missed his prime of like doing multiple actions. And if he had Van Helsing as a series, this could have been something that you look back now and go, remember to this trilogy? And Jeff, any final thoughts about Van Helsing?

SPEAKER_06 2:20:47

I would say if people listening to this haven't seen it, I recommend seeing it now. Spoilers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spoilers if you haven't seen it, but yeah, go grab DVD of it, download it off one of the apps or something, and give it a watch, because it is actually worth it.

SPEAKER_13 2:21:03

The same as uh the Nobody Does It Bennett podcast, which is now available on Apple.

SPEAKER_02 2:21:08

Van Helsing is a film that tried to really bring back the universal monster movies to the 2000s in a really fun way. With awesome weapons, unique transformations, and beautiful contrasting shots. It's always a film I look forward to watching. The CGI isn't always great, in fact, often isn't, and the acting can be a little overdramatic and hammy at times. But it's a film I wish at least got a sequel, as it's one that could have been a fun franchise. Yeah, definitely. Matt, Jeff, thank you very much for joining me.

SPEAKER_13 2:21:37

Not a problem, sir.

SPEAKER_02 2:21:38

You're all good. And thank you for listening. Remember, some others may do it better, but nobody does it, Bennett.

SPEAKER_13 2:21:45

Take care. Nobody does it, Bennett.

SPEAKER_01 2:21:48

It's the end of the show. Don't be sad.